Graduation Day

Dear Abby,

I remember holding you in my lap on the day that you were born, sometime in the small hours of the morning.  I knew I was cradling a miracle--a love so pure and profound that I felt bone-deep joy and a visceral terror that I was going to do things wrong in raising you.  I vowed to you that I would be the best mother I could be and that if it were in my power, you would always be safe, secure and loved.  That was my first promise to you and I hope you feel as if I have kept it.

I cannot believe that almost 18 years have passed and you are now on the brink of adulthood, ready to start the next adventure in your life.  I look back and feel as if I have missed some of it, even though I was there for everything.  Everything feels as if it should take longer, but your childhood feels like a slow blink.  I closed my eyes only for a second and then opened them to find you transformed from charming, precocious toddler to a beautiful, composed young woman. 

I am sure you are ready to fully step into who you have been becoming all these years, but I am not so certain I am ready to let you go.  Every day, from the moment you arrived, you've been revealing all these wonderful qualities of personality to me.  I am impressed by you every single day.  You are kind, thoughtful, compassionate.  You are both intellectually and emotionally intelligent.  You are funny and goofy and sweet.  I will miss having your daily presence at home.  You make it a peaceful, happy respite from the rest of the world and I will definitely be aware of your absence.

I love the way you love your brothers.  I love the way you tease, guide, and interact with them.  I love your courage to try new things and to share your opinions freely.  Your confidence and bravery inspire to move beyond my own comfort zone.  I love that you love to laugh and that you embrace your quirkiness unashamedly.  I just love you, Abby. 

I am excited by your future.   With all your talents and abilities and with the mature mindset you've maintained, I know you will be successful at whatever you choose to do.  I want you to know you can always come home (and I hereby officially claim all Christmases and Easters preemptively).  I will support you in whatever you choose to do and I pray that you, above all else, are healthy, happy, and strong mentally, physically and emotionally. 

Congratulations on your graduation, Babs!  Momma loves you from the bottom of her heart, infinity plus two, to the moon and back.  You are an amazing young woman and I am so lucky that you are my daughter.

Love,

Momma

Waving the White Flag: I Surrender

The idea of surrender intrigues me and it is a thought that has taken quite a bit of space in my head lately.  Let me clarify first, however, that the word surrender to me does not mean giving up or failing in any way.  In the traditional sense, it's a throwing in the towel, quitting, failing to give it one's all. I really don't see it that way.  I have been examining the idea of surrender as accepting what exists right in this moment.  Of being courageous enough to be totally present.  It means to cease giving power to the past or holding yourself hostage to the future.  

In all honesty, the times I have been the most successful in work, relationships, and my overall sense of self has been when I have surrendered.  When I quit revisiting past hurts and hopes and I stopped stressing over what the future might hold, I could intently focus on what was happening in my life at a particular moment in time.  I discovered that if I found joy, I held onto it with both hands and felt it in every atom of my body.  If I experienced pain, I held that too, albeit as briefly as possible, so that I could understand it and pass through it to be fully  present for the next moments of my life. I felt at peace, but also incredibly motivated to engage with the world and try to make as positive an impact as I could.

Over the last five years, my life has become increasingly rich, complex and at times, overwhelmingly busy.  As I embraced more opportunities, I have come to understand myself more, yet also I have inadvertently alienated myself from the centeredness and sense of purpose that I worked so hard to cultivate.  I feel like I am starting to tilt at windmills again, uselessly fighting against not so much the past, but the future.  

For the past few months, I have been overthinking about what the future might hold, altering my behavior to try and manipulate all the variables that could create it.  I've gotten hung up on what might be and failed to appreciate what is. I absolutely do not want to be this person.  I am less centered, less peaceful, and more competitive and frustrated. I feel as if I have become more focused on petty, superficial goals than truly being connected to that which is larger than ourselves. 

I think that's where the idea of surrendering entered my mind again.  I need to quit fighting and just surrender to being present.  I need to surrender to the idea that what comes from my thoughts and behavior should ultimately have their roots in the purity of my intent--to think and do because my intention is focused on what is best and what is right for this moment or situation.  

I try to live my life by two particular adages.  One from the Dalai Lama, "Be kind whenever possible.  It is always possible."  One from Theodore Roosevelt, "Do what you can with what you have where you are."  Both speak to intent and action.  With the intention of being kind and doing all you can to achieve the right thing for a particular point in time, a person can manifest positive outcomes for circumstances, relationships, work and life in general.

So I am waving the white flag.  I surrender.  I am giving myself to this moment--to the here and now.  I am surrendering to  aligning my intention to my actions.  I surrender to being fully present, fully connected and doing what I can with what I have.  By recommitting to being completely present, I am certain that the future is brighter than ever.

Dear Seniors, Be Fearless

The school year is rapidly drawing to a close.  All of the activity and the learning, the fussing and the fighting, the laughter and the drama are winding down as we put the past 9 months to bed. My seniors will graduate in a few short weeks and as usual, I've become attached this group of students. They are unique, energetic, dynamic people. I will miss them all next year (some more than others). To one, however, they've again taught me so much about teaching, about life, and about the intricacies of being human. I am grateful to have had them in my classes and in my life.  I hope that in some fashion, I have taught them a few things as well.  In case I missed a few lessons and objectives along the way, I want to leave them with this last bit of advice.

Dear Graduating Seniors,

I want you to be fearless.  I want you to make a practice of doing things that scare you.  Try everything, even if you worry you might fail.  Everything is an experience and even if something doesn’t go as planned, you learn from it.  Mostly you learn that you are a lot stronger and more capable than you could ever imagine.  Being fearless helps you grow.

I want you to travel.  Go places while you are young.  Meet new people, see new places, experience new things; absorb the energy that they offer.  Traveling opens up the world as well as a world inside ourselves.

Love.  Love hard.  Don’t ever be afraid to love deeply and truly with everything you are.  Don’t ever be afraid to be well-loved either.  It is important to know how to receive love, to respect and honor the love someone has for you. Learn how to do both, so that no matter what happens in this life, you have the experience of feeling with every ounce of what you are.

Laugh long and often.  Laughter is one of the purest, lightest forms of joy I know.  It makes bad times better and good times great.  Laughter refreshes even the most tired, burdened soul and brings people together.

Stay close to your family, but don’t hesitate to go on your own path.  One of the hardest things to do is to balance the obligation and responsibility one has towards family with the desire to be the agent of his or her own destiny.  Respect both, but know that your parents raised you to be the best possible version of yourself you can be, even if it’s far away from them geographically.

Be grateful.  Pray or meditate every day and begin with a list of things for which you are grateful.  Acknowledge that which is greater than ourselves as well as your place within the grand scheme of things.  Show gratitude for getting to live in this beautiful world, for having friends and family, for having purpose and meaning.  It is one of the very best things I know to do for the creation of a satisfying life.

Be kind.  Be generous and kind not because you feel obligated to do so, but because it is the right thing to do.  When in doubt, be kind. 

Stand up for yourself.  Stand up for others who cannot do so for themselves.  Be aware of your own needs and opinions while also advocating for the greater good.  Never let anyone or anything silence what you have to say.  Your opinion matters, your ideas are important, and your voice makes an impact, even when you think it doesn’t.

Lastly, try to be a little better tomorrow than you are today, however that manifests.  It may be something little or it may be a big life change.  Just make sure that you give your best to any endeavor that is worthwhile.  Whatever you choose to do, infuse it with integrity and character.  No job, no act of service, is beneath you because the dignity lies in a job well done, not the job itself.

Congratulations on your graduation, Seniors.  You have your whole life and the whole world before you.  Life is what you make it, and I know you will make yours a success.  Take time to create and enjoy experiences.  Learn every day.  Keep growing and thinking and loving.  

Love,

Ms. Hallbeck

If Not Now, Then When? If Not Me, Then Who?

Public education has been a cornerstone of my life.  I was raised by a teacher, spent all of my formative years in public schools, and chose to enter into the profession of education as a young adult.  I have never regretted the work that I do even though it is hard and not well compensated.  To me, it is thoroughly rewarding and every day brings into my life something new and interesting.  Teaching is a dynamic career that really focuses on the human element, and it has always appealed to me that I get to positively influence the development of young people.  At the core of what I do, the students and their educational well being come first and foremost.  I cannot imagine anyone remaining in public education without firmly believing and embracing that idea.  True educators value students and seek to ensure the optimal learning experience for "their kids."  

Therefore, I cannot comprehend those people who go into public education and then somehow fail to keep that goal as the center of their work.  Why be a part of a system that is meant to develop and foster the best in our nation's children if they aren't dedicated to doing what's right for kids? Somewhere along the line, people lose their focus on students and start to seek fulfillment of their personal agendas--often agendas centered around the acquisition and wielding of power.  Or, they have bought into the commercialization of education, the nation's ultimate public good, and push forward policies and practices meant to destroy the public part of education.  They are pawns of those wishing to privatize and profit off of the serious and fundamental duty of developing America's children into participatory, productive and thinking adults. 

There are administrators who rise through the ranks of teaching to head districts as either directors or superintendents and somewhere along the way, they lost what it really means to keep the kids at the heart of everything they do. They get caught up in power politics and their focus narrows until they can no longer see what really makes for a good system of educating children. They give good lip service to the idea, but fail to meaningfully work with all the stakeholders in public education to create environments that optimize learning.  

This is evidenced by failing to respect the people who are technically the boots on the ground.  Those that work on a daily basis in the classrooms, cafeterias, libraries, and labs with students should have a voice in the development of educational policies and practices.  Their input should be valued, but often it is dismissed.  Districts fail to acknowledge the expertise and education that teachers bring to a school system and frequently make decisions about curriculum and practices without ever consulting them.  

For some districts the lack of respect goes further, and the employees are viewed as the enemy--a suspect class that is only out for higher salaries, better benefits, and the least amount of work possible.  Rather than using employees as a resource to craft better educational systems, they work against them to create difficult and often untenable circumstances.  They are moved from position to position without regard to an educator's preference.  They are spoken to and about in a disrespectful fashion.  They are told in too many ways to count that they are ineffective and that what they do doesn't matter.  Any simpleton can read a script, assign worksheets manufactured by corporate publishers, and administer standardized tests. It's no wonder that teachers are retiring in record numbers and the amount of people going into education keeps diminishing.  Last semester, a major university in New Mexico only graduated a dozen or so new teachers from their education program.  No one wants to teach and the country is facing a massive shortage of educators. 

People are being run out of the profession due to poor legislation that deliberately targets teachers with an onerous amount of paperwork, evaluates them with flawed data and methods, pushes standardized testing at mind-bogglingly frequent intervals and takes away the autonomy, creativity and joy of being an educator.  

Class sizes are much larger than they used to be, vacancies abound in most districts, online or computerized classes are becoming the norm, and students are stressed beyond belief.  For all these reasons and more, the US cannot keep up with other countries in reading, math and science.  For example, my students at the high school where I teach have had to take five standardized tests just in the past nine weeks. When is their time to teach anymore?  Where is the ability for a teacher to determine the immediate needs of her students and then follow a course of action that lets them learn?  There is no time to really get into the heart of certain subjects or to create long-lasting experiences from which they will draw in the years to come.  Teachers are dispirited and stressed, students are overwhelmed and feeling shortchanged. Something has got to give. 

In an ideal school district, administrators, employees and the community would come together with the overriding and ever-present goal of creating the best public education system possible.  Personal agendas, the monopolization of power, and the corporatization of schooling would not play a role.  The input of all stakeholders would really impact the development of public education policies, and above all else, children would truly be at the heart of everything that happens.  

It can be quite hard to hold onto the hope that things will change for the better, but I have always had a tendency to keep up hope for improvement.  That hope mingled with motivation and organization will keep me in this profession and keep me fighting for the best interest of "my kids."  Change takes inspiration and dedication and knowing this, I keep returning to the quote, "If not now, then when?  If not me, then who?"  The time is now and in whatever way I can, no matter how small, I will strive to improve public education.  I hope there are a lot more "me's" who will follow suit as well.  Let's put the public back into public education and make it the best we can for all of our children. 

A Good Day

I've been thinking a lot lately about my job. I have had a series of really good days at work and I've been reflecting on why that is the case. The truth is that I get an amazing amount of personal satisfaction in being a teacher, and I am fortunate to work in an environment that fosters strong relationships and a deep respect for the humanity in everyone, regardless of behaviors that might be deemed socially suspect or outside of the normal ways of doing things.  The staff appreciates one another's skills and hard work as well as respects each other's differences. The teachers appreciate the students in all their various shapes and forms, and I think, at least by the end of the school  year, the overwhelming majority of students appreciate the teachers.  We are an eclectic bunch, but with all our individual idiosyncrasies notwithstanding, we seem to work well as a unit.

I like to think of my school as The Island of Misfit Toys visited by Rudolph that one Christmas.  Every student that attends has some broken pieces or rough edges and the staff does as well. Nonetheless, we are all pretty special in our own ways.  I think because of the culture of tolerance and acceptance that my workplace strives to create and maintain each year, our students are met and welcomed where they are currently positioned in life and then motivated to progress academically, socially, and emotionally through each teacher's unique style.

One of the things I like best is the freedom to be me in my classes. I like the fact that I can be a real person with my students.  I am always professional, but they often hear stories about my life, my experiences and my kids.  They have seen me upset, happy, goofy, and even hurting and not once have I been embarrassed to allow them to see and know me, not just as their instructor, but as a genuine and flawed person.  Being authentic with the students, in my opinion, is one of the best ways to develop meaningful relationships that allow for a host of opportunities for success on both academic and personal levels.  It creates an environment that is safe and that fosters growth.

Today, in casual conversation with some students in my US History class, we got onto the topic of discipline and how a person moderates behaviors through self-control.  Ultimately, the goal is to have students be cognizant and responsible for their own behavior because they are self-motivated to make good, healthy decisions.  Often times this can be a really slow progression that needs external reinforcement and support.  One of my students piped up and said, "You know what keeps me from making a lot of bad decisions lately?"  And I asked, "What?"  He said, "You do.  I'm afraid to disappoint you."  That made me smile.  Why? Because it means that I'm on the right track in regard to relationship building.  I'm headed in the right direction in helping these kids mature into productive and thoughtful adults. They respect my opinion enough to allow it to influence them in how they are choosing between what's right for them and what's wrong for their lives.  To me, this was a huge compliment and one of those moments you hold onto when you're feeling low and ineffective after a really hard day.

When I got home this afternoon, another nice surprise awaited me.  I had a former student thank me for support and kindness I had shared with her as her teacher.  She thanked me for helping her graduate and giving her a really good experience in my classes.  It was the icing on the cake of an already good day.  Thank yous can be relatively rare in the teaching profession because most of the time students don't recognize a teacher's effort and attention until they've grown up a bit.  That is one reason why they are so special and meaningful when they happen.

I like days like today.  Not just because I received validation for what I work so hard at doing, but because the energy was good.  I taught well and the students learned a little something about some things. In addition, I acknowledged to myself how really blessed I am to have a career where I can make a positive impact.

I'm happy.  I love it when I can say that and really mean it.

There is Something in Us That Loves Broken Things

I have always had a tendency to be too kind to people who don't deserve it because somehow I decided at one point in my life, the people who act as if they least deserve kindness are the ones who need it most.  I don't know how healthy an attitude this is to hold.  Unless you are a very strong person who has mastered the art of pure detachment, it can cause a lot of heartache.  You invest your energy in people who are emotional leeches.  They take and take, but never really give anything back.  They only give enough of themselves to make a person think that genuine feelings of affection and respect exist, but its not true. It's false progress, false feelings, utter manipulation on the part of one person towards another.  It's a method of stringing someone along someone who provides support and love without ever having to pay the piper--without ever having to be real and true and a supportive entity to the other person.

I think the people who are the most awful in situations like these are those that know exactly what they are doing.  The calculated manipulation to get exactly what they want from another person without having to return anything back is really kind of evil.  But, for the longest time, I was so blind to acknowledging that some people are inherently not good, that I mitigated everything they did by attributing their behaviors to other reasons--plausible, reasonable motivations for behavior that was incredibly damaging and shady.

I would like to think that I have a solid self-esteem.  I am intelligent, attractive, kind, and generous of spirit. Why would I invest time and energy into someone who didn't deserve my light?  Maybe it's a fixing complex.  I see someone so damaged that I feel as if I should try and at least help them to be happier more centered people. Maybe it is the desire to make someone who is so obviously in the dark understand  how wonderful life is--to see if from my perspective.  Maybe it's because they tell me I am important to them or that they love me and I take it to heart, knowing that when I love someone it isn't transient so their love shouldn't be conditional either.  I don't know.  What I do know is that a narcissist, a manipulative, awesomely selfish person will take those caring, generous qualities about me and use them to their maximum. They will drain me and regardless of how solid or detached I am, I will end up hurting.

This has been a reoccurring theme in my life.  Loving men and people who are incapable of loving back in the way I need.  I am tired of loving broken things and broken people.  It take s a massive toll on my personal energy and balance.  I deserve to be well loved.  I deserve to be respected.  I deserve to have someone ask me how my day went, and sincerely listen to my answer because I am important to them.  I deserve to be appreciated, desired, and more than any thing made to feel valued.

I know enough to understand that I do not need someone to complete me.  I understand myself enough to know I don't even want to have someone on a daily basis.  But I also recognize the need and desire in myself to have someone who wants to be in my life, who is unafraid to let me know that, and who take the time to appreciate everything that I do for them and give to them.  I just want to be respected.  To be valued.

I think I am going to have to be more judicious in the future of the people I allow in my life.  I am too old to keep trying to fix people.  I have so much to do and not enough time to do it in.  Repairing broken people or things cannot be a priority for me.  Fooling myself into thinking manipulation is care and love has no place either.  My priorities lie elsewhere and I am too damned important to too many other people that I cannot allow my spirit to be diminished by anyone or anything that doesn't value it. 

Opportunity Cost: Being Okay with Being Average

I had my official observation today as part of my evaluation of my ability to teach.  My lesson centered on defining opportunity cost and evaluating resource allocation with cost-benefit analyses.  I tried my best to follow the style and format mandated by the district and I think, for the most part, I did alright. Nevertheless, I can tell already what areas will be targeted for improvement and what areas will be listed as strengths.  If anything, I am pretty introspective about and fairly critical of the work I produce, and I constantly think about how I could be more efficient and more effective.  I am open to constructive criticism and consistently try to improve my performance in the class room.  However, I often struggle with trying to balance what my district views as a good teacher and what I believe is a good teacher. 

I know that I have a prodigious amount of knowledge regarding American history, government and economics.  Off the top of my head, I can answer almost any question about those subjects with depth, clarity, and detail.  Content knowledge is definitely one of my greatest strengths.  I am also strong in class room management and discipline.  My students are invariably well-behaved.  This too, is a strength. 

Likewise, I know my area of greatest weakness.  I am not well-versed on current pedagogy.  Most of what I do in regard to teaching methodology I learned in my education classes, from expert teachers I worked with, or I developed  through trial and error in the class room. I'll be the first to admit that I am not up-to-date on the most recent procedures and theories of classroom management or instruction.  I try to be the district's "good" teacher and if one were to ask me to detail a lesson plan with anticipatory sets, closures, overt and covert thinking, imbedded assessment, aligned with common core state standards while using positive behavioral intervention strategies, I could do that-- just probably not very well.  

I have my own ideas about methodology and procedure and they often don't follow current trends precisely.  The thing about being current on new theories and procedures is that, in my opinion, a lot of them are variations on old themes.  A lot of "new" ideas are just recycled old ideas in modern packaging.  If the old version and language works and has been proven effective, why take the time to master the new version?  To me, this is a monumental waste of time.  Time that could be spent in a more productive fashion.

Many of these theories also would work well in a perfect world with perfect students, but the neither the world nor children are perfect.  Especially when you teach in an alternative setting that serves  students who don't fit well into the normal structure of public education.  If fitting square pegs into round holes worked, my students wouldn't be attending my school.  So perfecting strategies meant for the masses wastes time as well.  I want to spend my time and energy on my students because they need it more than they need me to be expertly versed in pedagogical theory.

Because so many of my students have a history of some sort of trauma, it's imperative to create an environment that is welcoming, safe, and comfortable.  This takes time and energy to manifest well.  Another necessary aspect is building relationships with the students.  There must be a consistent interaction of respect and acknowledgment that makes the students feel worthy, valued, and recognized, especially if they are going to learn anything meaningful in my classes.  This also takes sustained conscious effort and time. In addition, students have to be given multiple opportunities for success, even the smallest of successes, so that they can change their personal narratives.  Most of my students struggle with negative ideas about their intelligence, their ability to learn, their social skills, and their capacity for adding value to the world around them.  Having real opportunities for success paired with authentic praise for that success can profoundly change how a child views him/herself and thus positively impact their learning ability.

I always keep in mind the idea so well-expressed by Maya Angelou with her quote, "At the end of the day people won't remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel."  I want my students to feel as if they matter, as if what they choose to do matters to the world, as if they could do anything they want to and to do it well.  This all takes time, effort, and dedication.  All of which would be diminished if I had to direct my attention to acquiring and fully applying "new" pedagogical practices.

Therefore, I am perfectly okay with my lack of expertise on trendy methodology and theories.  I would much rather spend my time on what's really important for my students--teaching the whole person.  Teaching them to love themselves, to value themselves.  Teaching them to be resilient, confident, and sentient.  Teaching them that they are worthy and worthwhile to this world.  Teaching them ways that can help them develop into well-rounded, motivated, productive, and happy individuals.  I am okay with being average in pedagogical form and practice.  It is an opportunity cost I am willing to bear.  I'd much rather allocate my resources to my students' growth and well-being than to my evaluation.  At the end of the day, they are the most important things in education, and I am going to devote my resources, efforts, and time into helping them become the best versions of themselves they can possibly be.