Queen of Denial

In order to get through the vagaries of life, most people at some point or another engage in denial.  I like to think of myself as a straight-shooter, someone who meets crisis head on and deals pragmatically with problems.  Lately, however, I have come to realize I too use denial as a mechanism for self-preservation.  In some instances, I could accurately be called the Queen of Denial.  Life contains certain things I just choose not to acknowledge, especially when I perceive that I am already under immense stress, and just one more difficulty would be the thing to topple my emotional house of cards.  In a way, this actually proves to be a helpful self-defense mechanism for most people.  It allows them to address problems one at a time, or in such a way as to keep calm, focused, and clear.  I am not knocking denial, I'm just saying it should be used sparingly, and I guess I am also saying then, that I need to take my own damned advice regarding this.

Right now, as of this moment, I feel like I have desperately and quietly been unraveling for the past week or so.  Everything seems off, and I am under an incredible amount of stress regarding my extended family.  I am a chronic worrier about the well-being of the people I love, and when I cannot help them in any meaningful way or if I think they are making the wrong decisions, I become highly agitated and anxious.  I usually use denial to sublimate these feelings, but currently it isn't working all that well.  It feels as if just beneath the surface of myself, all this built up tension will explode at the merest of scratches and I am concerned what will happen if I do erupt.  I will end up saying some truths and hurting people's feelings.  I hate doing that.

I honestly don't know what to do about some of the situations I am concerned with at the moment.  I don't have many people in my life to talk with, or rather, many people that I will openly talk with regarding my emotions.  I have always been the person people come to for advice, not the person who seeks it.  I am not good at unburdening myself by sharing my burden with others.  I never have been good at that, and I do use denial to cope with the fact that I am not free with my negative, anxious, or worried feelings.  I believe that a person shouldn't complain too much. Nonetheless, I encourage people to talk with me about their problems and I do not construe that as complaining.  However, when I discuss my problems, I feel as if I am complaining and no one wants to hear that.  So, what do I do? I deny, deny, deny.  I stuff it all down, do what I can to focus on other stuff, and hold the feelings inside.  Much like tears, though, they have a way of leaking out and making things messy.

I need to fix this about myself.  A little denial in life can be a good thing, but this level just does not allow me to be authentic, which remains one of my primary goals in life---to be true to who I am.  I guess I have some thinking to do, some issues to fully face, and some serious work on becoming more commonly true and much less the Queen of Denial.