Behind the Christmas Curve

I wish I had this much done already.

There remain nineteen days until Christmas.  Nineteen short, rapidly disappearing days and I have yet to buy a single present for anyone, including my three children.  I haven't bought nor mailed Christmas cards, ordered sausages and cheese from Swiss Colony, planned the menu for our Christmas Eve party, or even decided what goodies I am baking this year to give to friends.  Suffice to say, I am a bit behind the Christmas curve this year.  I have absolutely no motivation to do any of these things.

If I had my way, it would be October all over again and I would be much more focused and prepared for the holidays.  I wouldn't waste my time being distracted by mundane, unimportant things that I spent my hours on this past Fall.  I would prepare, plan and execute properly and be totally in position for a splendid, Norman Rockwell-esque Christmas.  As it is, one would think that I should at least have a little bit of agitated panic to get my motivation up to snuff by this point in time, but I still feel like I cannot be bothered with all the details. I have this deep-seated feeling that no matter what I do or don't do, Christmas will work out as it always does.  As if by magic, it will come together flawlessly or with all the expected and excused flaws that happen every year.

The presents will be bought and wrapped, the cookies baked, the party planned and all will be well with the world.  I just hope I am a bit more mentally present for the whole thing.  I am looking back upon this year and realizing that while I was here for some parts of it, I was gone for a great deal of it as well.  I think after the death of my father, which in a way I dealt with but also did not deal with, I absented myself from being fully present in my own days.  I did a lot of mental vacationing, engaging in fantasy, or burying myself in so many little things that I didn't have think or feel too much.  I am kind of tired of behaving that way.  I miss the old me. Over the past few weeks I've become a bit more aware of all the things I need to do. Gradually I am coming back to myself and my reality and I realize that it's not such a bad place to be.  I don't need to run away from all the changes that have happened nor the feelings that accompanied those changes.  I don't need to dread holidays just because my father won't be here to celebrate them with us this year.  He would want me to live life like he did...enjoying each minute for what it is and staying completely present in the moment.

 In essence, I am beginning to be okay again.  And for that, I am really grateful.  There is much to be said about just being "okay" and for being fully present in one's own life--being there for the good, the bad, the ugly, and Christmas.  Even if there are only nineteen days left in which to get everything done.