I've been struggling with depression for the past several months now. I have good days and bad days and mediocre days, all clouded with an underlying feeling of discontent. Like a house with termites, everything is great on the surface, but not so good on a structural level. Upon reflection, I've discovered several reasons why I have been feeling off, but like most people, I've had a difficult time addressing those reasons. I am pretty self-aware and to a certain extent I understand my strengths and weaknesses, but I've chosen to be stubborn and not work with my strengths to eradicate my weaknesses. It's a good place to start from, knowing oneself, but if one doesn't act on what one knows, then what is the point in having any knowledge?
One of the key things I do know is I have fallen into the trap that I warn other people about all the time. A person should never fill him/herself with other people and things in order to feel better. A sense of wholeness has to come from oneself. I've been filling myself with "friends" who aren't really friends, experiences which don't benefit me in any tangible way, reading, eating, and other escapist activities. None of those things help except momentarily. They may alleviate the symptoms of depression, but the root causes are still there and the bad days always return. Until and unless I decide to do something about the core issues triggering my depressive thoughts, nothing will change. Much like renovating a home, only when I get to the achingly hard part of working on the foundation of myself will significant and positive change occur. All the redecoration and landscaping in the world won't fix a single thing. The house looks beautiful and well-appointed while the internal structure continues to rot.
As far as bad days go, yesterday proved to be a doozy. It seemed as if everything I've been running from, everything that affects my mood negatively coalesced to bury me in morbid thoughts and ugly feelings. By the end of the day, I felt so suffocated by all the unhappiness that my chest actually hurt and my body ached. Anyone who tells you depression doesn't have physical symptoms obviously has never been depressed. Our bodies manifest what our minds refuse to manage, and if depression continues unabated it will lead not only to emotional distress but physical distress as well. I went to bed thinking that I didn't much care if I woke up in the morning. I felt like I could sleep for days and my absence wouldn't much matter. No one would notice and I wouldn't care. How dumb is that thought? Of course people would notice, my children especially. But it doesn't matter how illogical some thoughts become, the emotion driving those thoughts aren't based in logic. They spring from feelings. That's the thing about depression, it skews a person's sense of reality to the point where nothing makes sense, but everything feels profoundly real.
Fortunately for me, I couldn't sleep. I lay in bed thinking about things and eventually my thoughts turned to my children. They are the best blessings in my life, and I want so much for them. I want them to have good childhoods and good adulthoods. I want them to be healthy, happy, strong and compassionate. I want them to be independent, confident and fearless. I want them to thrive in all things. I had a moment of clarity then, in wishing all those things for my children. I constitute a key component in the creation of healthy, happy lives for them, and if I am not okay with myself, it's going to be difficult to give them the best lives possible.
As I previously stated, I know myself. I understand that I engage in behaviors that are completely unhealthy. I am a self-saboteur with a streak of self-loathing which lets me get away with treating myself in ways I would never dream of treating someone else. One thing I absolutely refuse to do, however, is willfully harm my children in any form, and if that means I have to make myself better to do that, then by God, I will.
I woke this morning thinking about foundations, understanding what I need to do to stabilize my internal home, my idea of self. There will be some digging, some shoring up, some discarding, and some really hard work. No more moving furniture, no more paint, no more external trappings. The days of superficial sprucing-up are over. I don't just want to have attractive curb appeal, I want to be a solid, good home from the inside-out. I am not just blowing sunshine up my own skirt this time. I mean to make this self-improvement last. Moving out of depression doesn't happen all at once. I am aware that there will be days when I achieve significant renovation and days when the contractor chooses not to show up for work. The point of the matter is that I vow to work on being better every day, to keep the proper perspective regarding myself and life in general, to be more forgiving of myself and others, and to never give up in trying to do what is right. Just like a house under construction or repair, I am a work in progress and as long as I keep progressing, my home will eventually be done. So in the meantime, please pardon my dust.
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