We learn so much from other people. Every person that comes into your life provides an opportunity for growth. Life lessons come in all shapes and sizes, and all different kinds of people. The trick to gleaning something meaningful from interaction with another person is being able to see that there is something to learn. I am fortunate that as I have aged, I have become much more open to meeting new people and really talking with them. When I was younger, I had all sorts of ideas about what made a decent person. Thankfully as I've gotten older, I realized that most of my criteria was based on bullshit.
Even though my parents raised me to be open-minded, I placed a heavy emphasis on a person's upbringing, background, education levels, and even appearance. If they didn't meet my automatic, judgmental standards of what I considered correct, I invariably engaged with them in my much cooler, disinterested version of myself. I cut off further interaction by being a supercilious bitch. If they met the criteria, I behaved with a warmth and openness that allowed for further knowledge of one another.
While it's understandable that like attracts like, and most people "make friends" with those people who are similar to themselves, having such arbitrary and high standards for even basic interaction caused me to miss out, I am sure, on some seriously awesome people. Somewhere along the line, as I gained more experience, learned from my mistakes and became much more comfortable in my own skin, I realized that all people, no matter how different from me, had value and interest. Some of the nicest, deepest-thinking, and warmest people I've ever met have come from incredibly disparate backgrounds from my own.
I have friends that run the gamut from ultra-religious Muslims and Christians to former felons and recovering alcoholics and crack addicts. While I have nothing in common with the behaviors of the ultra-religious or the criminally inclined, I do have things in common with the people behind those identifying factors. I now connect with the humanity of a person as opposed to all the signifiers I used for classification of another. I've learned that being devout doesn't make a person all good, nor does committing a crime make a person all bad. That's the fabulous thing about maturing, things cease to be purely black and white. Life becomes a fantastical landscape made from a thousand shades of gray.
This morning, I had a lovely conversation with one of my more unusual friends. He's North African, Muslim, a former drug addict, well-educated, world-traveled and one of my favorite people ever. He's both seen and done things, not all of them good, that I can only ever imagine. He was raised in a traditional household where his father had two wives, and he has more brothers and sisters than I do first and second cousins. He is so very different from me, yet also very much alike. In all areas that really matter, he and I have similar mindsets. We hold ideas in common about people in general, how to live an authentic and generous life, and how to be in-tune with the world and humanity. We have the best discussions regarding religion, moral obligations, self-improvement, and valuing the important aspects of one's life. We also share a keen sense of humor and wit, with our conversations careening from esoteric to absolutely goofy. I've learned so much not only about life in general, but about myself because I was open to friendship with him. If I had gone by my youthful list of requirements regarding friendship when I first met him, I never would have been his friend. I would have completely short-changed myself and I am exceptionally glad that I did not do that.
I look back at my younger self and smile. I was so very different than I am now. If I could go back in time and give myself some advice, it would definitely be to lighten up, not take things or people or requirements too seriously. I would tell myself to enjoy people for who they are, not what you assume they should be. I would like to think, that even as uptight as I were then, that I would have listened to my older self. I also like to imagine all of those people I shut out, that I could have befriended and what I might have learned from them. It's definitely something I am trying to instill in my children--seeing beyond the superficial factors and really looking deeply and thoughtfully at the people with whom they interact. I can't get back the opportunities of friendship I missed when I was young, so I really hope they take advantages of those they have now. Who knows what kind of amazing people they will meet?
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