As I pulled up to the parking space at the convenience store, an older woman proceeded to get out of her car and walk slowly across it. As she exited her vehicle, she did not look around to see if anyone were nearby and intently began making her way towards the store. I slammed on my brakes to avoid hitting her and almost uttered some choice words under my breath. We all know those words, the special ones reserved for those people who disrupt traffic and movement either through their own stupidity or a well-hatched conspiracy designed solely frustrate someone's day.
I surprised myself, though. Instead of expressing my anger with a volley of questionable words and the oft-repeated mantra "I really effing hate people!" I said something nice instead. "God bless old people. I am going to be one of those someday."
What makes this unusual is that I am notorious for early morning road rage. My kids consider it the start of a good day when I only pop off with one or two swear words or engage in a mini diatribe against humanity as I drop them off at school. They have become immune to my petty outbursts brought on by being cutoff, made to wait for a right hand turn, confronted with a slew of old folk on their way to the senior center driving at a snail's pace or forced to artfully maneuver between long lines of the parked cars of over-protective parents still walking their pubescent children to class hand-in-hand. My kids tell me to chill and to calm down, but it is said automatically with both amusement and exasperation, as if dealing with a small child unable to control her temper tantrums
Even though I am aware that having this behavior is not a healthy thing for me to engage in, for the last six months or so, I've had a hard time not bursting out with expressions of rage and frustration. These early morning drivers don't deserve my wrath. They are just doing the same thing I am doing--getting kids where they need to go, going to work, taking care of the daily business of living. They don't have time to craft plans to piss me off. It is not a grand conspiracy on the part of Alamogordo to specifically ruin Melanie's day. I know I am projecting the deeper level of dissatisfaction with my life onto the rest of humanity when I do this, and frankly, it's not fair. That's why when I didn't automatically condemn the elderly woman walking in my space, I realized something had changed for me: my attitude and my level of peace with my life.
What I realized this morning is that I'm feeling pretty good. Recently I've made a few changes that have benefitted my mental and emotional outlook. I am experiencing a lightness within that I haven't felt in a very long while. After hanging out unwillingly in a twilight state for many months, I am feeling more centered, active and ambitious--as if I can pretty much do anything I want to do. I am so grateful for this renewal. I'm grateful for that old lady this morning too. I meant it when I said God bless her. She helped me to see that I am on the road to better circumstances, to something quite like happiness, and that is a very, very good thing.
No comments:
Post a Comment