Graduation Day

Dear Abby,

I remember holding you in my lap on the day that you were born, sometime in the small hours of the morning.  I knew I was cradling a miracle--a love so pure and profound that I felt bone-deep joy and a visceral terror that I was going to do things wrong in raising you.  I vowed to you that I would be the best mother I could be and that if it were in my power, you would always be safe, secure and loved.  That was my first promise to you and I hope you feel as if I have kept it.

I cannot believe that almost 18 years have passed and you are now on the brink of adulthood, ready to start the next adventure in your life.  I look back and feel as if I have missed some of it, even though I was there for everything.  Everything feels as if it should take longer, but your childhood feels like a slow blink.  I closed my eyes only for a second and then opened them to find you transformed from charming, precocious toddler to a beautiful, composed young woman. 

I am sure you are ready to fully step into who you have been becoming all these years, but I am not so certain I am ready to let you go.  Every day, from the moment you arrived, you've been revealing all these wonderful qualities of personality to me.  I am impressed by you every single day.  You are kind, thoughtful, compassionate.  You are both intellectually and emotionally intelligent.  You are funny and goofy and sweet.  I will miss having your daily presence at home.  You make it a peaceful, happy respite from the rest of the world and I will definitely be aware of your absence.

I love the way you love your brothers.  I love the way you tease, guide, and interact with them.  I love your courage to try new things and to share your opinions freely.  Your confidence and bravery inspire to move beyond my own comfort zone.  I love that you love to laugh and that you embrace your quirkiness unashamedly.  I just love you, Abby. 

I am excited by your future.   With all your talents and abilities and with the mature mindset you've maintained, I know you will be successful at whatever you choose to do.  I want you to know you can always come home (and I hereby officially claim all Christmases and Easters preemptively).  I will support you in whatever you choose to do and I pray that you, above all else, are healthy, happy, and strong mentally, physically and emotionally. 

Congratulations on your graduation, Babs!  Momma loves you from the bottom of her heart, infinity plus two, to the moon and back.  You are an amazing young woman and I am so lucky that you are my daughter.

Love,

Momma

Waving the White Flag: I Surrender

The idea of surrender intrigues me and it is a thought that has taken quite a bit of space in my head lately.  Let me clarify first, however, that the word surrender to me does not mean giving up or failing in any way.  In the traditional sense, it's a throwing in the towel, quitting, failing to give it one's all. I really don't see it that way.  I have been examining the idea of surrender as accepting what exists right in this moment.  Of being courageous enough to be totally present.  It means to cease giving power to the past or holding yourself hostage to the future.  

In all honesty, the times I have been the most successful in work, relationships, and my overall sense of self has been when I have surrendered.  When I quit revisiting past hurts and hopes and I stopped stressing over what the future might hold, I could intently focus on what was happening in my life at a particular moment in time.  I discovered that if I found joy, I held onto it with both hands and felt it in every atom of my body.  If I experienced pain, I held that too, albeit as briefly as possible, so that I could understand it and pass through it to be fully  present for the next moments of my life. I felt at peace, but also incredibly motivated to engage with the world and try to make as positive an impact as I could.

Over the last five years, my life has become increasingly rich, complex and at times, overwhelmingly busy.  As I embraced more opportunities, I have come to understand myself more, yet also I have inadvertently alienated myself from the centeredness and sense of purpose that I worked so hard to cultivate.  I feel like I am starting to tilt at windmills again, uselessly fighting against not so much the past, but the future.  

For the past few months, I have been overthinking about what the future might hold, altering my behavior to try and manipulate all the variables that could create it.  I've gotten hung up on what might be and failed to appreciate what is. I absolutely do not want to be this person.  I am less centered, less peaceful, and more competitive and frustrated. I feel as if I have become more focused on petty, superficial goals than truly being connected to that which is larger than ourselves. 

I think that's where the idea of surrendering entered my mind again.  I need to quit fighting and just surrender to being present.  I need to surrender to the idea that what comes from my thoughts and behavior should ultimately have their roots in the purity of my intent--to think and do because my intention is focused on what is best and what is right for this moment or situation.  

I try to live my life by two particular adages.  One from the Dalai Lama, "Be kind whenever possible.  It is always possible."  One from Theodore Roosevelt, "Do what you can with what you have where you are."  Both speak to intent and action.  With the intention of being kind and doing all you can to achieve the right thing for a particular point in time, a person can manifest positive outcomes for circumstances, relationships, work and life in general.

So I am waving the white flag.  I surrender.  I am giving myself to this moment--to the here and now.  I am surrendering to  aligning my intention to my actions.  I surrender to being fully present, fully connected and doing what I can with what I have.  By recommitting to being completely present, I am certain that the future is brighter than ever.

Dear Seniors, Be Fearless

The school year is rapidly drawing to a close.  All of the activity and the learning, the fussing and the fighting, the laughter and the drama are winding down as we put the past 9 months to bed. My seniors will graduate in a few short weeks and as usual, I've become attached this group of students. They are unique, energetic, dynamic people. I will miss them all next year (some more than others). To one, however, they've again taught me so much about teaching, about life, and about the intricacies of being human. I am grateful to have had them in my classes and in my life.  I hope that in some fashion, I have taught them a few things as well.  In case I missed a few lessons and objectives along the way, I want to leave them with this last bit of advice.

Dear Graduating Seniors,

I want you to be fearless.  I want you to make a practice of doing things that scare you.  Try everything, even if you worry you might fail.  Everything is an experience and even if something doesn’t go as planned, you learn from it.  Mostly you learn that you are a lot stronger and more capable than you could ever imagine.  Being fearless helps you grow.

I want you to travel.  Go places while you are young.  Meet new people, see new places, experience new things; absorb the energy that they offer.  Traveling opens up the world as well as a world inside ourselves.

Love.  Love hard.  Don’t ever be afraid to love deeply and truly with everything you are.  Don’t ever be afraid to be well-loved either.  It is important to know how to receive love, to respect and honor the love someone has for you. Learn how to do both, so that no matter what happens in this life, you have the experience of feeling with every ounce of what you are.

Laugh long and often.  Laughter is one of the purest, lightest forms of joy I know.  It makes bad times better and good times great.  Laughter refreshes even the most tired, burdened soul and brings people together.

Stay close to your family, but don’t hesitate to go on your own path.  One of the hardest things to do is to balance the obligation and responsibility one has towards family with the desire to be the agent of his or her own destiny.  Respect both, but know that your parents raised you to be the best possible version of yourself you can be, even if it’s far away from them geographically.

Be grateful.  Pray or meditate every day and begin with a list of things for which you are grateful.  Acknowledge that which is greater than ourselves as well as your place within the grand scheme of things.  Show gratitude for getting to live in this beautiful world, for having friends and family, for having purpose and meaning.  It is one of the very best things I know to do for the creation of a satisfying life.

Be kind.  Be generous and kind not because you feel obligated to do so, but because it is the right thing to do.  When in doubt, be kind. 

Stand up for yourself.  Stand up for others who cannot do so for themselves.  Be aware of your own needs and opinions while also advocating for the greater good.  Never let anyone or anything silence what you have to say.  Your opinion matters, your ideas are important, and your voice makes an impact, even when you think it doesn’t.

Lastly, try to be a little better tomorrow than you are today, however that manifests.  It may be something little or it may be a big life change.  Just make sure that you give your best to any endeavor that is worthwhile.  Whatever you choose to do, infuse it with integrity and character.  No job, no act of service, is beneath you because the dignity lies in a job well done, not the job itself.

Congratulations on your graduation, Seniors.  You have your whole life and the whole world before you.  Life is what you make it, and I know you will make yours a success.  Take time to create and enjoy experiences.  Learn every day.  Keep growing and thinking and loving.  

Love,

Ms. Hallbeck

If Not Now, Then When? If Not Me, Then Who?

Public education has been a cornerstone of my life.  I was raised by a teacher, spent all of my formative years in public schools, and chose to enter into the profession of education as a young adult.  I have never regretted the work that I do even though it is hard and not well compensated.  To me, it is thoroughly rewarding and every day brings into my life something new and interesting.  Teaching is a dynamic career that really focuses on the human element, and it has always appealed to me that I get to positively influence the development of young people.  At the core of what I do, the students and their educational well being come first and foremost.  I cannot imagine anyone remaining in public education without firmly believing and embracing that idea.  True educators value students and seek to ensure the optimal learning experience for "their kids."  

Therefore, I cannot comprehend those people who go into public education and then somehow fail to keep that goal as the center of their work.  Why be a part of a system that is meant to develop and foster the best in our nation's children if they aren't dedicated to doing what's right for kids? Somewhere along the line, people lose their focus on students and start to seek fulfillment of their personal agendas--often agendas centered around the acquisition and wielding of power.  Or, they have bought into the commercialization of education, the nation's ultimate public good, and push forward policies and practices meant to destroy the public part of education.  They are pawns of those wishing to privatize and profit off of the serious and fundamental duty of developing America's children into participatory, productive and thinking adults. 

There are administrators who rise through the ranks of teaching to head districts as either directors or superintendents and somewhere along the way, they lost what it really means to keep the kids at the heart of everything they do. They get caught up in power politics and their focus narrows until they can no longer see what really makes for a good system of educating children. They give good lip service to the idea, but fail to meaningfully work with all the stakeholders in public education to create environments that optimize learning.  

This is evidenced by failing to respect the people who are technically the boots on the ground.  Those that work on a daily basis in the classrooms, cafeterias, libraries, and labs with students should have a voice in the development of educational policies and practices.  Their input should be valued, but often it is dismissed.  Districts fail to acknowledge the expertise and education that teachers bring to a school system and frequently make decisions about curriculum and practices without ever consulting them.  

For some districts the lack of respect goes further, and the employees are viewed as the enemy--a suspect class that is only out for higher salaries, better benefits, and the least amount of work possible.  Rather than using employees as a resource to craft better educational systems, they work against them to create difficult and often untenable circumstances.  They are moved from position to position without regard to an educator's preference.  They are spoken to and about in a disrespectful fashion.  They are told in too many ways to count that they are ineffective and that what they do doesn't matter.  Any simpleton can read a script, assign worksheets manufactured by corporate publishers, and administer standardized tests. It's no wonder that teachers are retiring in record numbers and the amount of people going into education keeps diminishing.  Last semester, a major university in New Mexico only graduated a dozen or so new teachers from their education program.  No one wants to teach and the country is facing a massive shortage of educators. 

People are being run out of the profession due to poor legislation that deliberately targets teachers with an onerous amount of paperwork, evaluates them with flawed data and methods, pushes standardized testing at mind-bogglingly frequent intervals and takes away the autonomy, creativity and joy of being an educator.  

Class sizes are much larger than they used to be, vacancies abound in most districts, online or computerized classes are becoming the norm, and students are stressed beyond belief.  For all these reasons and more, the US cannot keep up with other countries in reading, math and science.  For example, my students at the high school where I teach have had to take five standardized tests just in the past nine weeks. When is their time to teach anymore?  Where is the ability for a teacher to determine the immediate needs of her students and then follow a course of action that lets them learn?  There is no time to really get into the heart of certain subjects or to create long-lasting experiences from which they will draw in the years to come.  Teachers are dispirited and stressed, students are overwhelmed and feeling shortchanged. Something has got to give. 

In an ideal school district, administrators, employees and the community would come together with the overriding and ever-present goal of creating the best public education system possible.  Personal agendas, the monopolization of power, and the corporatization of schooling would not play a role.  The input of all stakeholders would really impact the development of public education policies, and above all else, children would truly be at the heart of everything that happens.  

It can be quite hard to hold onto the hope that things will change for the better, but I have always had a tendency to keep up hope for improvement.  That hope mingled with motivation and organization will keep me in this profession and keep me fighting for the best interest of "my kids."  Change takes inspiration and dedication and knowing this, I keep returning to the quote, "If not now, then when?  If not me, then who?"  The time is now and in whatever way I can, no matter how small, I will strive to improve public education.  I hope there are a lot more "me's" who will follow suit as well.  Let's put the public back into public education and make it the best we can for all of our children. 

A Good Day

I've been thinking a lot lately about my job. I have had a series of really good days at work and I've been reflecting on why that is the case. The truth is that I get an amazing amount of personal satisfaction in being a teacher, and I am fortunate to work in an environment that fosters strong relationships and a deep respect for the humanity in everyone, regardless of behaviors that might be deemed socially suspect or outside of the normal ways of doing things.  The staff appreciates one another's skills and hard work as well as respects each other's differences. The teachers appreciate the students in all their various shapes and forms, and I think, at least by the end of the school  year, the overwhelming majority of students appreciate the teachers.  We are an eclectic bunch, but with all our individual idiosyncrasies notwithstanding, we seem to work well as a unit.

I like to think of my school as The Island of Misfit Toys visited by Rudolph that one Christmas.  Every student that attends has some broken pieces or rough edges and the staff does as well. Nonetheless, we are all pretty special in our own ways.  I think because of the culture of tolerance and acceptance that my workplace strives to create and maintain each year, our students are met and welcomed where they are currently positioned in life and then motivated to progress academically, socially, and emotionally through each teacher's unique style.

One of the things I like best is the freedom to be me in my classes. I like the fact that I can be a real person with my students.  I am always professional, but they often hear stories about my life, my experiences and my kids.  They have seen me upset, happy, goofy, and even hurting and not once have I been embarrassed to allow them to see and know me, not just as their instructor, but as a genuine and flawed person.  Being authentic with the students, in my opinion, is one of the best ways to develop meaningful relationships that allow for a host of opportunities for success on both academic and personal levels.  It creates an environment that is safe and that fosters growth.

Today, in casual conversation with some students in my US History class, we got onto the topic of discipline and how a person moderates behaviors through self-control.  Ultimately, the goal is to have students be cognizant and responsible for their own behavior because they are self-motivated to make good, healthy decisions.  Often times this can be a really slow progression that needs external reinforcement and support.  One of my students piped up and said, "You know what keeps me from making a lot of bad decisions lately?"  And I asked, "What?"  He said, "You do.  I'm afraid to disappoint you."  That made me smile.  Why? Because it means that I'm on the right track in regard to relationship building.  I'm headed in the right direction in helping these kids mature into productive and thoughtful adults. They respect my opinion enough to allow it to influence them in how they are choosing between what's right for them and what's wrong for their lives.  To me, this was a huge compliment and one of those moments you hold onto when you're feeling low and ineffective after a really hard day.

When I got home this afternoon, another nice surprise awaited me.  I had a former student thank me for support and kindness I had shared with her as her teacher.  She thanked me for helping her graduate and giving her a really good experience in my classes.  It was the icing on the cake of an already good day.  Thank yous can be relatively rare in the teaching profession because most of the time students don't recognize a teacher's effort and attention until they've grown up a bit.  That is one reason why they are so special and meaningful when they happen.

I like days like today.  Not just because I received validation for what I work so hard at doing, but because the energy was good.  I taught well and the students learned a little something about some things. In addition, I acknowledged to myself how really blessed I am to have a career where I can make a positive impact.

I'm happy.  I love it when I can say that and really mean it.

There is Something in Us That Loves Broken Things

I have always had a tendency to be too kind to people who don't deserve it because somehow I decided at one point in my life, the people who act as if they least deserve kindness are the ones who need it most.  I don't know how healthy an attitude this is to hold.  Unless you are a very strong person who has mastered the art of pure detachment, it can cause a lot of heartache.  You invest your energy in people who are emotional leeches.  They take and take, but never really give anything back.  They only give enough of themselves to make a person think that genuine feelings of affection and respect exist, but its not true. It's false progress, false feelings, utter manipulation on the part of one person towards another.  It's a method of stringing someone along someone who provides support and love without ever having to pay the piper--without ever having to be real and true and a supportive entity to the other person.

I think the people who are the most awful in situations like these are those that know exactly what they are doing.  The calculated manipulation to get exactly what they want from another person without having to return anything back is really kind of evil.  But, for the longest time, I was so blind to acknowledging that some people are inherently not good, that I mitigated everything they did by attributing their behaviors to other reasons--plausible, reasonable motivations for behavior that was incredibly damaging and shady.

I would like to think that I have a solid self-esteem.  I am intelligent, attractive, kind, and generous of spirit. Why would I invest time and energy into someone who didn't deserve my light?  Maybe it's a fixing complex.  I see someone so damaged that I feel as if I should try and at least help them to be happier more centered people. Maybe it is the desire to make someone who is so obviously in the dark understand  how wonderful life is--to see if from my perspective.  Maybe it's because they tell me I am important to them or that they love me and I take it to heart, knowing that when I love someone it isn't transient so their love shouldn't be conditional either.  I don't know.  What I do know is that a narcissist, a manipulative, awesomely selfish person will take those caring, generous qualities about me and use them to their maximum. They will drain me and regardless of how solid or detached I am, I will end up hurting.

This has been a reoccurring theme in my life.  Loving men and people who are incapable of loving back in the way I need.  I am tired of loving broken things and broken people.  It take s a massive toll on my personal energy and balance.  I deserve to be well loved.  I deserve to be respected.  I deserve to have someone ask me how my day went, and sincerely listen to my answer because I am important to them.  I deserve to be appreciated, desired, and more than any thing made to feel valued.

I know enough to understand that I do not need someone to complete me.  I understand myself enough to know I don't even want to have someone on a daily basis.  But I also recognize the need and desire in myself to have someone who wants to be in my life, who is unafraid to let me know that, and who take the time to appreciate everything that I do for them and give to them.  I just want to be respected.  To be valued.

I think I am going to have to be more judicious in the future of the people I allow in my life.  I am too old to keep trying to fix people.  I have so much to do and not enough time to do it in.  Repairing broken people or things cannot be a priority for me.  Fooling myself into thinking manipulation is care and love has no place either.  My priorities lie elsewhere and I am too damned important to too many other people that I cannot allow my spirit to be diminished by anyone or anything that doesn't value it. 

Opportunity Cost: Being Okay with Being Average

I had my official observation today as part of my evaluation of my ability to teach.  My lesson centered on defining opportunity cost and evaluating resource allocation with cost-benefit analyses.  I tried my best to follow the style and format mandated by the district and I think, for the most part, I did alright. Nevertheless, I can tell already what areas will be targeted for improvement and what areas will be listed as strengths.  If anything, I am pretty introspective about and fairly critical of the work I produce, and I constantly think about how I could be more efficient and more effective.  I am open to constructive criticism and consistently try to improve my performance in the class room.  However, I often struggle with trying to balance what my district views as a good teacher and what I believe is a good teacher. 

I know that I have a prodigious amount of knowledge regarding American history, government and economics.  Off the top of my head, I can answer almost any question about those subjects with depth, clarity, and detail.  Content knowledge is definitely one of my greatest strengths.  I am also strong in class room management and discipline.  My students are invariably well-behaved.  This too, is a strength. 

Likewise, I know my area of greatest weakness.  I am not well-versed on current pedagogy.  Most of what I do in regard to teaching methodology I learned in my education classes, from expert teachers I worked with, or I developed  through trial and error in the class room. I'll be the first to admit that I am not up-to-date on the most recent procedures and theories of classroom management or instruction.  I try to be the district's "good" teacher and if one were to ask me to detail a lesson plan with anticipatory sets, closures, overt and covert thinking, imbedded assessment, aligned with common core state standards while using positive behavioral intervention strategies, I could do that-- just probably not very well.  

I have my own ideas about methodology and procedure and they often don't follow current trends precisely.  The thing about being current on new theories and procedures is that, in my opinion, a lot of them are variations on old themes.  A lot of "new" ideas are just recycled old ideas in modern packaging.  If the old version and language works and has been proven effective, why take the time to master the new version?  To me, this is a monumental waste of time.  Time that could be spent in a more productive fashion.

Many of these theories also would work well in a perfect world with perfect students, but the neither the world nor children are perfect.  Especially when you teach in an alternative setting that serves  students who don't fit well into the normal structure of public education.  If fitting square pegs into round holes worked, my students wouldn't be attending my school.  So perfecting strategies meant for the masses wastes time as well.  I want to spend my time and energy on my students because they need it more than they need me to be expertly versed in pedagogical theory.

Because so many of my students have a history of some sort of trauma, it's imperative to create an environment that is welcoming, safe, and comfortable.  This takes time and energy to manifest well.  Another necessary aspect is building relationships with the students.  There must be a consistent interaction of respect and acknowledgment that makes the students feel worthy, valued, and recognized, especially if they are going to learn anything meaningful in my classes.  This also takes sustained conscious effort and time. In addition, students have to be given multiple opportunities for success, even the smallest of successes, so that they can change their personal narratives.  Most of my students struggle with negative ideas about their intelligence, their ability to learn, their social skills, and their capacity for adding value to the world around them.  Having real opportunities for success paired with authentic praise for that success can profoundly change how a child views him/herself and thus positively impact their learning ability.

I always keep in mind the idea so well-expressed by Maya Angelou with her quote, "At the end of the day people won't remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel."  I want my students to feel as if they matter, as if what they choose to do matters to the world, as if they could do anything they want to and to do it well.  This all takes time, effort, and dedication.  All of which would be diminished if I had to direct my attention to acquiring and fully applying "new" pedagogical practices.

Therefore, I am perfectly okay with my lack of expertise on trendy methodology and theories.  I would much rather spend my time on what's really important for my students--teaching the whole person.  Teaching them to love themselves, to value themselves.  Teaching them to be resilient, confident, and sentient.  Teaching them that they are worthy and worthwhile to this world.  Teaching them ways that can help them develop into well-rounded, motivated, productive, and happy individuals.  I am okay with being average in pedagogical form and practice.  It is an opportunity cost I am willing to bear.  I'd much rather allocate my resources to my students' growth and well-being than to my evaluation.  At the end of the day, they are the most important things in education, and I am going to devote my resources, efforts, and time into helping them become the best versions of themselves they can possibly be.   

Las Vegas and the Fall of Rome

Last night I went to bed thinking a lot of things, especially about the massacre in Las Vegas that happened Sunday night.  Yet again, another mass shooting in the good ol' gun-loving US and yet again, the subsequent flurry of online "thoughts and prayers" for the victims.  Very shortly afterwards, almost immediately actually, the propaganda both for and against gun control legislation began.  I am well aware of the arguments, well aware of which side I am on and I am also very cognizant of how exhausted I am from having this same fight every few months.

I am definitely an advocate for responsible gun legislation.  I don't want to take away anyone's Second Amendment right to bear arms, but I want controls in place that regulate gun ownership.  The requirements for owning and operating a car, obtaining an abortion, or even applying for federal aid for college take more time, effort and regulation than gun ownership in the US.  We are, as a nation, currently armed, dangerous, and definitely on edge.  It's not a good combination for anyone living here.

Just in the last nine months alone, more than 11,500 Americans died due to guns.  That's more than 1000 a month dead because of lax gun regulation and the glorification of gun ownership in the US.  Some were accidents, some self-inflicted, some as the result of crime, and about 300 were due to mass shootings.  More than 2500 teenagers/young adults were killed by guns.  That figure is appalling. Why, as a people, are we okay with this level of loss of life?

I sincerely thought that after the 26 children and adults were killed at Newtown, Connecticut almost five years ago that Congress would begin the hard work of crafting sensible, meaningful public policy on gun ownership.  How could they not?  Babies were brutally gunned down in a safe space, kindergarten and first-grade classrooms.  We as a compassionate, sentient nation of people wouldn't stand for something like this to happen again.  But we did.  And we continued to stand for more mass shootings, more horrific deaths of innocent people in public places.  No where is safe anymore--not movie theaters, nightclubs, baseball games or concerts.  Every time this happens, people mourn and commiserate, send thoughts and prayers, argue for and against their side, and ultimately do nothing at all.  They purposely forget and willingly buy the bullshit propaganda of the NRA and the right who proclaim gun control legislation equates to gun confiscation.

The entire mess makes me angry and so very sad.  I am frustrated that we are like Nero and fiddling while Rome burns. Until people are willing to allow for compromise, until people are willing to listen to reason and see the bigger picture, nothing will continue to happen except more mass murder, more unnecessary, violent deaths of the innocent.

As I fell asleep, I was struck by an odd thought.  I wondered if, somewhere in the late 5th century, Romans realized that their civilization was rapidly coming to an end.  And, if so, were there people trying to halt the ending or were they self-medicated, blinded if you will, by propaganda of the times?  I also thought of how their incidents of violence, the disintegration of the ideals of a republic must have occurred more frequently.  A societal variation of compressed morbidity that occurs as people age. Illness after illness come closer and closer until a person dies.  I wondered if civilizations were like that as well.  Violent episode after episode occurring more frequently and with greater impact until a society expires.

America is in peril led by an incompetent narcissist who sees nothing and understands nothing unless it directly relates to himself.  We are experiencing greater division as a people, the like not seen since the Civil War.  We are weak and unwilling to change, hiding from the hard work that needs to be done to continue striving for the goals laid out in our preamble to the Constitution....establishing justice, insuring domestic tranquility, and promoting the general welfare.  From where I sit, we are in that period of compressed morbidity as a nation, and if we don't do something to stop its progression, the civilization that we know now won't be the same in the future.  As a matter of fact, it may not be here at all.

Potential and Nothing Random

Potential

You are a bell before it's been rung-

the note of a song before it's been sung,

the tick of a clock before it times true;

You are potential, opportunity new.

You are a thought, not yet spoken-

a heartfelt promise still unbroken,

the rays of the sun peeping awake;

You are potential which no one can fake.

You are the eyes that open at dawn-

holding the moment before it is gone,

the sole drop of rain before the downpour;

You are potential and so much more.

Nothing Random

There is a lifetime in minutes

that we parse from our days

to share with each other

With carefully crafted words

 there is nothing random 

in the way we speak, the things we say

It is a calculated distance,

this place we painstakingly leave

between us

We hide from complication,

refuse to be vulnerable and

control what we can

But then....

Pushed on a tide of patience

that pools then ripples, 

and breaks in wave upon wave

There is no space unfilled, 

no deliberate disconnect

Just energy and eyes 

An acknowledgment of kisses,

a recognition of the other and the us

that exists solely in stolen moments

I Have My Phone, Therefore I Am

Cell phones and creativity don't always mix.

This past week, we held a poetry and music festival at the alternative high school where I work.  Students created poems throughout the week, practiced songs they wanted to perform, and created accompanying art work for their words. Some of them were able to create poems of depth and meaning fairly easily, while others couldn't maintain the concentration necessary to write anything. I empathized with both types of writers. I used to write a lot of poetry throughout my late twenties and early thirties, but it dwindled down to almost nothing while I was in the thick of raising my kids and struggling to meet all my obligations as a wife and mother of young children. I couldn't find the time to reach that state of openness and quiet is that is necessary to take words and piece them together into something beautiful. For some reason, these students of mine cannot find that space either. 

My lack of quiet space came from obligations to work and family--a fairly typical occurrence for someone my age and my place in life.  My students' lack of space, however, can be attributed to the nature of today's technology-centered world.  As teenagers, time should be one of their greatest assets, with enough of it to actually have blocks of it filled with nothing to do.  Nevertheless, this is not the case. Every minute for them is filled, not only with typical adolescent thoughts, daydreams, and doubts, but with media, Youtube, music, and video games.  Their lives are ones of non-stop sensory input which leaves very little room for creative output. A person doesn't need to exercise her imagination if someone else does it for her at the push of a button or the stroke of a keyboard.  There is no room anymore for boredom and that develops into a distinct lack of ability to deal with the feelings that boredom manifests.  I think there is a correlation between this and the high levels of anxiety I see in my students.  They get used to constant entertainment, their entire lives having been an exercise in "bread and circuses" and don't know what to do with themselves when the immediate mental gratification stops.

Sometimes I think that technology and this culture of instant gratification is not only changing how we do things, but it's changing brain development as well.  Who we are now as a people will definitely not match who we become in the future. Technology has not only become a daily tool for humanity, but an extension of oneself.  For young people it's almost as if Decartes' definition of self has become "I have my phone, therefore I am."  It worries me in regard to purely human-inspired artistic creativity.  What's going to happen with traditional artistic endeavors? Are young people not going to be confident enough in their skills to make things without the help or inspiration of technology because they've never had to rely on just their own thoughts and ideas?  It worries me because technology is so pervasive that it's not only changing young people, but everyone else as well.

I see changes in the way I think and the way in which I do things, and I attribute that to the constant presence of technology in my life as well.  I have a shorter attention span and an increased need for consistent mental stimulation of some kind.  And if technology has affected me this way, someone who has already been set and programmed a long time ago, what is it doing to young people who still have malleable minds? All people, including me, need to make time for more unplugged downtime. We need time to be bored. We need to sit with that boredom long enough to want to create something or do something productive that alleviates it.  Having nothing to do or to think about has a way of opening one's mind to deeper thoughts, concentration, and creation of wonderful things.

I am definitely going to work on giving myself more opportunities for having time to do nothing.  I need it to get back to more of who I used to be.  And, if I am lucky, maybe in that nothing I will create something and it will be beautiful. 

The Art of Being Supportive

Being a supportive friend isn't as easy as it seems.  There is an art to it. 

I can't even comprehend what it must feel like to know that death is a real possibility due to illness.  I think for most people who are in reasonable health, it's a concept we toy with occasionally, but quickly push to the back of our consciousness.  It's a fear that most people don't examine in depth because it seems so very remote and so scary to contemplate that one day we will just be gone with no genuine idea of our destination from that point. I cannot imagine what it might feel like to have to face that reality.

I have a dear friend with a life-threatening illness.  He's pretty young and has already had a close brush with death.  He has children and family that care for him very much and who, I am sure, depend on him to be there.  He has an abundance of friends who all seem to thoroughly enjoy his sense of humor, sarcasm and wit.  He has a definite presence in this world.  And the idea that he might die really scares me because a world without him will be a little less bright and a lot less interesting. I can only imagine (and not very well at that) how he must feel.  In addition to that particular stress, the illness has caused him to be unable to work and do many things he previously enjoyed.  The pressure he is under is intense.

That amount of stress and pressure can be isolating, especially if that person is someone who handles most of life's issues with introspection and self-reliance.  No one in that person's immediate circle would really understand what kind of fear, doubt, uncertainty and anger that the ill friend would experience.  Self-reliant people don't want sympathy and unless someone has been in those circumstances, empathy wouldn't apply. A lot of friends would want to be 100 percent positive and cheerful, but that too could be isolating and irritating for some people because it seems disingenuous. In situations like this, distance is created because no one is really sure how to act. The people who support a sick friend have to figure out how to do it right so that it will be meaningful, impactful, and appreciated.  It's a really hard thing to determine which line to walk or which emotions and behaviors to balance.  There is an art to being a supportive friend.  One I have yet to fully master.

I will freely admit I am not very good at it.  I want to be supportive.  I want to be helpful. I want to be positive and stoic and fearless for him. What I really want is to fix the problem and make him healthy.  In my efforts to be a good friend, I forgot that receiving support and help can be a hard thing to navigate as well and can cause undue stress on the person for whom it's intended.  I think my attentions, which were well-intentioned, created a sense of expectation for thank yous or appreciation which in turn sapped energy from my friend who needs every ounce he has for healing.

Life is a learning process.  I've never really loved someone who had a long-term illness, so figuring out how to be a good friend in this situation is new to me.  I think, after a lot of reflection, I realize that I need to pay closer attention to the details, to listen to my intuition and his words, to not overstep my bounds, and to be very clear that the sole expectation I have is to help without any strings attached. A good friend is there when needed and wanted--no more, no less.

I am pretty confident that things are going to work out well.  I am a firm believer in positive thinking and happy endings.  I am also well aware of how strong, stubborn, and determined my friend is.  The disease should be intimidated by him, not the other way around.  As long as he wants me in his life and as much as I possibly can, I will be good friend and keep learning how to be a better one.

How to be a Champion Even When You Lose

A healthy dose of competition goes a long way.  I think for many people, it works as a motivator to do one's best at whatever endeavor they engage in.  In addition, it adds an element of thrill or excitement to see who will come out on top.  It lets people dance with the fear of losing or coming in second place to push them to become more emotionally invested in what they are trying to achieve.  At it's most basic incarnation, it provides tangible proof that out of a field of rivals, one person is the best. Besides those things, winning feels good.  It's nice to be able to say, I gave it my all and I prevailed.

Unfortunately, it also has a down side.  For some people, winning can become everything.  It morphs into the sole validation for one's worth and value.   When this happens, people can become ruthless, calculating, and obnoxious.  Unless a person has a healthy relationship with and an attitude towards competition, being competitive can cause more heartbreak than satisfaction. It is essential to have the right perspective about winning, losing, and trying one's best.

It's funny how life cycles through themes, but this week's theme seems to be about competition. Through conversations with my children and friends, the topic keeps popping up in one form or another. It's made me think more about it lately than I have in a long while. Somewhere along the line, the need to win fell way back on my list of priorities. I used to be incredibly competitive about most things.  I wanted to be at the top of whatever I did. I won a lot of the time due to hard work and effort, but I lost frequently too.  I used to get so upset when I lost--tears, doubt, anger--the whole nine yards. Thankfully, as I've aged, life became much more about the journey than the destination for me and constant competitiveness fell by the wayside.

My daughter who is fifteen and has a similar competitive streak as I did at that age recently auditioned for section leader for the band.  She practiced not only her music on a daily basis, but spent hours writing and reviewing her interview questions.  She has innate talent, but more importantly, she has a solid work ethic, especially when it comes to achieving goals for herself.  Even with all her preparation and her confidence that she was going to perform at her greatest ability, she was prepared to lose gracefully.  And that makes me very proud of her.

Some people might question why I would be proud of her to be prepared to lose. There is a school of thought that believes if a person makes room for the idea of losing, they have already lost.  They believe that winning isn't everything, it's the only thing. I thoroughly disagree.  I think evaluating what it might be like to win and to lose before it ever happens let's a person focus more on the experience than the objective and to frame how they will react to both outcomes.  It makes you a winner at life, not just that particular test of skill.

Since they were very young, all of  my children know that sometimes you just don't win, no matter how hard you try.  No matter how talented a person is, someone out there could be better.  The only thing to do is to give 100 percent of what they can do and wait for the results.  Win or lose, if they did their best they could be proud. I wanted them to know early on that it is the effort that matters most, not the achievement.  I want them to be champions at life, not just soccer, or band, or school work. Learning to be resilient in the face of defeat, gracious in both winning and losing, and confident in their attempts means more to me than any trophy, position, or grade.  Winning is nice, but it isn't everything.  Learning from your mistakes, acknowledging and appreciating skill or talent beyond your own, motivating yourself to work harder and smarter for the next test of skill, and being completely present in the moment no  matter how painful it might be are all much more important than winning.

As section leader next school year, I know my daughter will continue to strive for excellence because it is something she wants to do for herself and for her band family, not solely for external validation. She will still be competitive, but mostly with herself, I am sure.  Just like her Momma, she wants to be a little bit better tomorrow than she was today, and frankly that's the most productive and fruitful kind of competition of all.

Making Room

I've been thinking a lot lately about the people who populate one's life.  Some arrive on purpose and others just pop up seemingly out of nowhere.  How a person comes to you is pretty easily answered-either you made the effort to place them there or they randomly fell in through circumstance. The real question I think most people have, however, is who stays and who goes and why that is.  I like to think that we have some modicum of control over who sticks around, and oftentimes we do, but my experience seems to validate the idea that fate really plays a major role in this arena.  

A person can behave in such a way to either keep or chase off people.  He or she can be abrupt or warm, insulting or complimentary, thoroughly disengaged or actively participating in a relationship. How we behave and what we say and do has an impact on who remains and who leaves.  But then, every now and again, people disappear for no reason at all or someone who was gone returns.  It seems as if the Universe has an agenda or timeline and just does what it sees fit to do in regard to who shares your life. 

Sometimes I feel as if I can actually sense the Universe pulling people out of my life.  The past twelve months seemed like a year of goodbyes.  The harder I tried to hold onto things and people who were important to me, the more I could feel the bonds.stretch and tear.  It was an uncomfortable feeling.  Painful, even.  It left me doubting myself, wondering what was so wrong with me that people didn't want me in their lives.  And then, somewhere during those months of feeling abandoned and bereft, I realized that I didn't have to think of this cycle in my life negatively.  I likened the process to spring cleaning-getting rid of the old, worn out aspects of my life and making room for the new.  Holding onto anything or anyone that doesn't readily want to stay or that serves no meaningful purpose only makes it more difficult to jump forward into something better, healthier, and happier.

It's inexplicable, but when I transitioned to actively thinking of the goodbyes as necessary and well-intentioned, I not only felt more free and at peace, but some people came back.  People whom I thought were gone forever returned to me. When I let go and truly meant it, wishing them well, they appeared again.  Others stayed gone, and in retrospect, I see how good that was for me.  Some people are only meant to be there for a short time until the lesson is learned.  Some stay forever.  And some thought to be lost and never to return show up again as if it were meant to be. The relationships and friendships may not be the same incarnations as before, but often they are better for having had the distance and separation.  Like an artist or an author who returns to a piece after leaving it alone, you see it with new eyes and a sense of depth that did not exist before.  There can be new levels of appreciation and understanding which makes for more enriching experiences.

I've seen this phenomena in not only my life, but in others as well.  I have one friend in particular who is where I was last year, holding on and stuck in a cycle of hellos and goodbyes.  It's taking its toll and all I want to do is have her let go, to be unafraid, and to see what the Universe has in store. Like most things, it is easier said than done.  Nevertheless, I still hold hope in my heart that she reaches the spring cleaning stage in her life.  When she does, I think she will learn to not have too many expectations for who stays and who goes.  It took me awhile, but I now know that the only thing I can really do is be me and listen to my intuition. I need let go when everything is telling me that is what must happen and to be unafraid to embrace the room made for the new.  I'm looking forward to seeing what happens and how that increased room will be filled.

You Can't Suck Forever: Getting Back Into the Writing Game

It's been more than two years since I wrote anything for this blog.  I have thought about it several times, but I each time I did, I felt as if I had nothing to contribute, nothing to say that had interest or value.  More so than anything, I think  my creative energies focused on fitting back into the working world by returning to teaching after an extended break, and figuring out how to balance home and job in the best way possible.  

I also had to find out who I was again, in the context of myself.  I had been solely Momma for six years and I needed to rediscover exactly who Melanie was.  I'm still working on it, and still surprising myself on occasion when I find a new facet of who I am.  The itch to write, however, has been resurfacing lately and getting harder and harder to ignore.  I feel rusty at it, but like I tell my students and my own children, the best solution for almost any problem is action.  You'll never know if you don't try.  So please forgive this attempt if it falls short, but getting back into the regular writing game is going to take some practice. It's kind of scary because I am used to being good at putting words together, to conveying a message.  I hate not being good at something I care about.  Nevertheless, I need to just suck it up and jump back into writing, even if  takes several attempts to get back to being coherent and well-written. As a friend of mine told me once when I was lamenting about using technology in the class room and my fear of screwing up, "You just need to go ahead and do it.  You can't suck at it forever."

I just finished my third year as a social studies teacher for a small alternative high school, and for the most part, I have enjoyed every minute of it.  In addition to teaching several different courses and sponsoring clubs and classes, I jumped into becoming a member of the teacher's union. With both endeavors, I discovered that as I have aged my voice has become clearer and stronger.  Initially I worried that my break from teaching had caused me to lose my ability to teach well, to lose my sharpness and skill. However, I was very pleasantly surprised that my confidence regarding my skills and contributions became more solidified.  I actually think I am a better teacher now than I was when I worked for 11 years straight.  Taking that time to be a stay-at-home mother, facing financial difficulties, living through some very challenging personal issues, and having time to reflect and explore what's important in this life  gave me a better perspective on all different kinds of people, especially young people.  I think I am better able to empathize with students and the issues they bring with them to school because I have faced some of those issues first-hand.  Taking that time helped to clarify a lot of my ideas about what is important in teaching, and even though I had to play a lot of catch up with pedagogy and the best practices, I am a better teacher than I was before.  I am better a person than I was before, and I am fortunate that I can bring my improved self to the class room and share it with students.

I am at a point where I feel pretty balanced and centered in my life.  I think that's why I want to write again.  I don't know if I have anything of merit to say, but that's not really the point anyway.  It's a creative outlet and I have both the desire and the room for it again.  That makes me happy.  So, I am going to pursue it.  I am going to enjoy it, work at it, and get better at it.  It feels good to be back. 

Corner the Market: The Convictions of Youth

Youth has the market cornered on truth.

I have a tendency to surround myself with intelligent people.  I like their conversation and ideas, usually accompanied by sarcasm and dry wit.  People who think quickly on their feet entertain me and inspire me. I appreciate that.  I like it when people make me think. My friends come in all shapes and sizes, with varying ethnic backgrounds, ages, sexual orientations, education levels and religions, but they all have the common denominator of being deep thinkers with strong convictions.

I have one friend who likes to get into debates about anything and everything. He often plays the devil's advocate just to see how people will react.  More often, however, he likes to argue because he thinks he's right. At twenty-five years old he has all the righteous conviction of youth.  One of the more entertaining aspects of our conversations is attempting to get him to consider different perspectives.  Occasionally it can be like pulling teeth from a chicken, both frustrating and impossible.

The other day I debated with him on an issue I can't even recall.  What I do remember, however, is how adamantly he defended his position, never thinking of other possible interpretations and views.  He reminded me of me when I was twenty-five--so certain that I had the market cornered on truth, justice and morality.  My, how things have changed.

At twenty-five, I was a good daughter, a good student, a good friend, and a good wife.  I did and said all the right things for which I received praise and admiration. At forty-two, I don't classify myself by those identifiers. I don't even know if I am "good" anymore and I don't care if I receive praise. The the thing is....I am better person than I used to be, and  I like that much more than simply being good.

At this age, I am peaceful and centered.  I'm more humane and forgiving.  I'm not nearly as self-righteous, uptight or judgmental as I used to be.  Time and experience have mellowed me, have made me really think about what is important in life and who is important in life.  I believe that kindness should be a guiding compass for all behaviors.  I think that if a person moves from a place of love and pure intent, he or she can be truly happy. People can have their own joy and celebrate the joy of another without jealousy or judgment clouding it. Once I adopted those beliefs, I moved away from the superficial appearance of goodness into living goodness.

Don't get me wrong, I still have my convictions about things.  I'm not all-accepting of everything. I have non-negotiables that I've held onto regarding what I believe to be right and wrong. But like a long-simmering sauce, those convictions have been reduced, strengthened and clarified. All the other BS has floated to the surface to be skimmed off and tossed away. One of the compensations for losing the physical vitality of youth is that increasing mental, spiritual, and emotional vitality we experience as we age.

My friend has some amazing ideas and thoughts, and I'm privileged to help him explore them.  I am grateful to be his friend, just as he is right this minute. But I keep thinking, how amazing he's going to be in twenty years, when he's had time and experience to enhance and refine his thoughts and qualities. I look forward to debating him then too.  I'm sure it will be a good one.

You've Come a Long Way, Baby

Forty Years Ago

I am going to turn 42 years old tomorrow.   Forty-freaking-two!  For some reason, that age is throwing me for a loop.  It's not that I am feeling particularly old physically or mentally.  I am not worn out or run down.  I'm actually better than I was a decade ago.  I should be all smiles about this age, but at best I am ambivalent. At worst, a wee bit discomfited. I think its the sound of the number itself.  It's a heavy, round number.  It's dense.  There is nothing light and airy about forty-two. It's exactly twice that of the long-awaited, much anticipated birthday of becoming 21 years old, the seminal milestone in every young person's life that marks the full entry into adulthood.  No wonder it's a weighty number. I've been an adult for twenty-one years already and that's the thought that boggles my mind. When did all that time pass without me really noticing?  When did I grow up? Have I really grown up at all?

I can remember both of my parents being forty-two, and they seemed so old to me then--so very grown up and responsible and solid.  My kids probably view me in much the same way.  But now, unlike when I was 11, I know their secret.  I know that my parents probably felt a lot like I do now. Older, but not old.  Responsible and solid in many ways, but still desiring fun and adventure and excitement. They probably wondered themselves where the time went.  Wondered how we as human beings absorb all those years and change and bend, but don't really feel those changes until some distance has been achieved, and in a lot of meaningful ways we don't change at all.  On the inside, we are still the same age.  We are still young at heart.

I know I am old when I can remember the Virginia Slims ad campaign that sold cigarettes to women in the 1970s based on the misogynist, pseudo-feminist slogan, "You've come a long way, baby."  I can't imagine that any company would be so blatantly patronizing to their customer base these days. That's something distinctly thirty years ago.  Along with my memories of getting our first microwave, not having to wear a seatbelt, riding a bike without a helmet, renting a VCR and watching a movie at home for the first time, those old cigarette ads remind me that I have definitely gotten older.  There's no denying it,  I really am going to be forty-two tomorrow, even though I don't feel like it.  I am going to be that dense, heavy number on the outside and still floating somewhere in my twenties on the inside.  I am going to be solid, responsible and grown up and still feel as if I am not grown up at all.

I wonder if I will always feel that way--not quite there yet.  I hope so.  I don't ever want to feel completely grown, no matter how many years I rack up.  Like the old campaign, I've come a long way baby.....but I still have a lot more to go yet.

Fresh Starts and Broken Hearts

When people think of the phrase "fresh start" it conjures positive images.  I always think of new life, grass and flowers, springtime, and infinite sunshine.  Most fresh starts, however, do not begin in fertile soil already tilled to perfection.  They originate in the hardscrabble, rocky dirt of brokenness and neglect.  Fresh starts begin in desolate, bereft fields full of potential but not much else. They are fields that require intense hard work to make them ready for new growth.

This morning my friend told me that without the knowledge of the opposite thing, a person never really knows the truth of the original object.  Fresh starts are born of this knowledge, this slide along the spectrum of emotion.  They come from having known both happiness and sadness, right and wrong, light and dark.  The desire to move back into the lighter aspect of the spectrum from the darker end creates the catalyst for positive change.  It is what motivates a person to begin the painstaking work of digging out the rocks and weeds in one's life to prepare a field for newness and growth.

I never regret feeling badly about things that go awry, people that disappoint me, or failing myself through my own behaviors.  Being upset, hurt, or angry allow me to understand myself better, to have a deeper knowledge of the truth of the entire emotional spectrum, to acknowledge that for which I am grateful just as much as being happy, joyful, or peaceful do. Life is a series of fresh starts.  It is, by turns, fields in their full glory of blooming health and barren scraps of dirt and desolation. You can't have one thing without the other, and I want it all.

Second-Guessing My First Impression

I think we are all our own worst critics.  Second-guessing oneself is such a hard thing not to engage in and often it becomes difficult to clearly assess our actions because we cannot see ourselves as well as others do. We have too much floating inside our heads that obscures the view.  Thoughts whisper that this could have been stated better or that could have gone more smoothly. The whispers increase in volume until all one hears is the criticism and none of the truth. Second-guessing sucks and it really holds no true value or benefit for a person. It doesn't motivate oneself to do better, it just causes excessive worry over things outside of one's control and tears down one's self esteem.

I sincerely wish that I could correctly gauge my performance in interacting with other people.  Speaking with people is purely subjective.  How I see myself when engaging with others isn't how they view me.  They form their own opinions based on their reactions to what I say and do, and all of it is personal. There are no benchmarks and standards to hit, no discrete objectives to definitely accomplish in conversing and interacting with others. Sometimes I desperately wish there were.

I remember performing clarinet solos and being nervous about performing in front of judges. I wanted to come across as poised, skilled, and confident. The good thing about sharing a skill, however is that I knew if I played each note correctly, kept time accurately, and did what I was supposed to do, I could accurately discern what my score would be and what kind of impression I had made on the judges.  Engaging with people has no objective standards as such, so it is much more open to interpretation and self-criticism.

The best thing I can do when trying to assess the impression I make upon other people is to not think about it.  It is over and done with and how others perceive me is beyond my control.  The proverbial milk has already been spilled and how others react to it is up to them.  It is out of my  hands and there is no sense in worrying about what has already happened, second-guessing one's actions, or even attempting to interpret what another person thinks.  It wastes emotional and mental energy that could be best put to use elsewhere and only creates a fertile breeding ground for self-doubt and negative self-talk. So I'm just letting it all go.  It is what it is and what is done is done. I am not going give space in my head to over-analysis and rethinking.

Besides, as long as I am honest in my presentation of self, genuine and sincere in my thought and behavior, and being authentically me, there is no room for second-guessing my first impression.

Someone Who Made A Difference

Teaching has infinite rewards.

At the end of my grandfather's memorial service, my mother, my father, my sister and I stood in a receiving line to accept condolences.  Most of the people who hugged us and shook our hands we knew well, many recalling stories of my grandpa and recounting what an amazing man he had been.  As the line thinned, a man in his late sixties slowly walked up to my mother, his face etched with sadness.  None of us recognized him, but we could see that my grandfather's death had profoundly affected him in some way.  As he shook my mother's hand he said, "You don't know me, but when I read about Mr. Mayfield's passing, I had to come and pay my respects. That man changed my life and I wouldn't be here today if it were not for him."

He had driven several hours to attend the funeral of his high school science teacher and coach, fifty years after having been his student. Fifty years! It's such a long time to have held someone you never saw again in such high regard.  The man related to us that as a teenager he had been troubled and in trouble and that my grandfather took an interest in his well-being.  He recalled vividly one day when my grandpa took him aside and basically laid out what would happen to the young man if he did not straighten up and begin taking life seriously.  He had also reassured the boy that he was valuable and worthwhile and deserved to have good things in his life and therefore needed to work towards success. The attention my grandfather showed him as well as this particular conversation stayed with this man for his entire life, and he credited my grandpa with putting him on the right track and changing his view of himself and his abilities forever.  Because my grandfather had "saved" his life, he owed it to him to say goodbye and he told my mother that it had been a privilege to know my grandfather.

I could help but cry at his story.  I cried in acknowledgement that I would miss my grandfather forever as well as knowing that he would be immortal through the lives he had touched.  My family knew how amazing my grandfather had been. They knew the obstacles he had overcome to develop into a strong, moral, kind and productive man.  Being young as I was, I hadn't realized that he had touched so many more lives than my own, and he had touched them so deeply as to leave life-long impressions.  In that moment, I knew that being a teacher, regardless of its hardships and difficulties and lack of respect, was a career that had  infinite rewards.

It is a privilege to be an educator. It is not a career that comes with wealth, prestige, or even respect, but it is still a gift to be able to influence, to shape, and to develop young minds. Not everyone is given the opportunity to touch the lives of so many in good and positive ways.  It is a powerful position, even though society often does not recognize it as such., and with great power comes great responsibility.  The good teachers realize this, and like my grandfather, they strive everyday to do what is right and best for each student that crosses their paths.  They understand the ripple effect of their actions, recognizing that what they do and say can last a lifetime for some students. They know that they may not ever see the flowers bloom from the seeds they planted, and they accept the fact that the rewards of teaching aren't immediate or even consistent. Yet they persevere anyway, connected to the big picture, the long duration of time--knowing that in some way, somewhere along the line they will have made a difference in the lives of their kids.

The lucky educators hear a thank you now and then, they may get flowers on Teacher Appreciation Day, or acknowledgement from administrators and professional organizations for a job well done.  Mostly, however, the true rewards come when they get to see the fruit of their labors in young people who go on to college, to build careers and families, and to live happy lives.  Teaching is not a job meant for just anyone.  It takes a special person to realize there are things more important than monetary gain or social prestige or hearing thank you.  I count myself as one of the privileged and the lucky to have chosen a career in education.  It is something I have never regretted and I can only hope that when my memorial service happens many, many years from now that I am remembered as my grandfather was remembered--someone who made a difference.

Not Quite The Advice You Wanted

I have a friend who is about sixteen years younger than me.  We have the most interesting conversations because we come from such disparate backgrounds, yet we have a lot of things in common, especially personality types. He often comes to me for advice about things because for some reason he believes that I have all my shit together. He couldn't be further from the truth and I tell him as much, but he still wants to know my perspective regarding how he should handle certain situations. So I try my best to give him my honest opinion.  It generally all boils down to me telling him that he's young yet and as life progresses he'll gain a better understanding of what he should do.  Advice is helpful on occasion, but it doesn't replace learning lessons on your own.

Currently, he's been agitated about the direction of his life and concerned about his level of motivation and dedication regarding work that he'd rather not do.  He wanted me to write about how to motivate oneself to work harder, to graciously accept responsibilities and obligations, to be happy with what is. I could do that, write a general article about motivation, but I think his problem is something deeper than just motivation.

 He's having what I would consider a quarter-life crisis.  I don't think he's particularly happy with his current situation and feels somewhat trapped by his circumstances.  Even though many people would find his circumstances enviable as he has a career with room for growth, financial security, and strong familial and religious ties, he's unsatisfied with his life because he's not in charge of it.  This dissatisfaction manifests itself in seeking constant distractions, a lack of concentration and follow-through, and a general sense of ennui. Even though he'd never admit it, I think he might be a little depressed. I've been there, done that, and bought more than one t-shirt. I know the signs.

I don't think he'll listen to the advice I am going to give him.  I don't know that he's ready to hear it, and even if he is, he's definitely not ready to act upon it, but I'm going to give it to him anyway.  In order for him to be happier, more focused, motivated and productive, he has to figure out what he really wants to do with his life. He needs to prioritize what is most important and then regardless of whomever it displeases, act upon attaining those things.  He is caught at a crossroads of sorts.  If he chooses to go after what he really wants to do, something creative, dynamic, and ultimately self-satisfying, he will disappoint those people in his life whom he loves most.  They have a different agenda and timeline they believe he should follow.  I think he should do what he wants.

One thing I've learned over the course of my life is that if a person spends his time pleasing everyone but himself, no one gets their happy ending. Devoting one's energy to making sure everyone else is content leaves very few resources to ensuring one's own contentment.  Unhappy people cannot create lasting joy for others if they themselves aren't happy. Discontent will manifest in a variety of ways even though people try their damndest to reconcile what they are doing with what they actually want, and everyone feels it and sees it.

My advice is that he needs not to fear the consequences of choosing his own way.  The people who love us generally just want us to be happy, productive and satisfied.  They eventually get over not being in charge or being disappointed when they see the positive end result.  He needs to have faith in his own ability to  make wise and sound decisions regarding the trajectory of his life.  He needs the courage to live it as he sees fit, incorporating those things that work, removing those things that don't and discovering new elements that will add positively to it.  Looking back, I have instances in my life where I would have done things differently.  I would have made decisions based solely on my own interests and needs as opposed to doing those things I knew would please others. If I had, my life might have been quite different in regard to my personal levels of satisfaction and my levels of confidence.  So, instead of motivational advice for doing things you don't want to do, I hope he accepts this heartfelt advice on living an authentic life where he's happy and where it's his satisfaction with life, rather than his acquiescence to others' desires that make the people in his life happy too.