Epiphanies on Aisle Six

Sometimes you might pick up more than you bargained for at the grocery store.

Yesterday my sister, a friend, and I went grocery shopping.  I needed only a few things, but they wanted to do a little more in-depth shopping, so we also used the time for catching up and gossip.  While my sister checked out the frozen vegetables, she and I chatted.  She stepped back from the freezer cases at the same time this man tried to squeeze behind her to continue his way down the aisle.  They, of course, collided.  His hand basket bumped her hard and squarely in the back and shoulder.  She immediately moved forward and said, "Oh, excuse me." As he continued down the aisle, not even deigning to look behind him to acknowledge her apology nor to make one himself, I felt myself descend into a fury I have rarely ever felt.

At that point, I literally hollered, "Well EXCUSE YOU!"  At that, he turned around and said, "What?"  I responded, "You bumped hard into my sister, didn't acknowledge her or apologize for your actions either.   You are just plain rude and I'm calling you out on it."  Suffice to say, he and I exchanged a few more choice words in the frozen foods aisle and as he attempted to follow me towards the dairy section.  Finally I moved directly into his face, told him his mother didn't raise him well and to basically get lost.

While the extent of this incident is all quite out of the ordinary for me, I have been known to make known my feelings in public places about people who are blatantly rude and insulting.  I have not, however, had the profound desire to punch a man's face so hard that his nose would be firmly lodged in the back of his head.  Nor had I visualized before, tackling a man and stepping on the center of his back and making him lick the floor and apologize for his rudeness.  I was, in short, overcome with a white-hot, irrational anger.  I wanted to hurt this person and hurt him badly.

I guess I'm angry.  I'm more than likely angry about a lot of things these days and sometimes it shows inappropriately, like my desire to injure and maim fellow shoppers on a quiet Monday afternoon.  I suppose I have a few things to be angry about, but I had always thought I did well with analyzing the things that provoked my ire, dealing with them, and ultimately resolving them.  This incident on aisle six made me very aware that there are certain aspects to my life I am not addressing properly.  I am repressing a few things that I should probably poke and prod and bring to daylight.

Since becoming an adult, one of the things I've promised myself is that I would not age into a cranky, cynical, angry person.  I want to be happy.  I want to feel, express, and share my joy about things.  I refuse to be a bitchy old person.  I refuse to hold onto anger that is best let go into the ether.  Obviously, I am failing to do that in some significant way.  My anger transformed into melancholic reflection.  I was sad that I had allowed whatever stressors in my life control me, as opposed to me controlling them.  Somewhere along the way I've gone off the rails and I desperately need to get back on.  Otherwise I will continue to morph into that which I detest most--an unreasonably angry and seriously unpleasant person.

When I feel angry, I need to identify the source and figure out a way in which to not let that thing trigger feelings of fury.  I need to just let it go and remain calm.  I have every right to speak my mind when I encounter something that I find wrong, but I don't have the right to make a scene in the grocery store.  I have to remember that I cannot control anything outside of myself.  If a person wants to act an ass on aisle six, then he will.  I have the option to not react to it, which is usually the best option.  Maybe not for the ass, because someone should school him on manners, but definitely for me.  My own opinion of my behavior is far more important than anyone else's judgment of the same.  I didn't feel particularly good after that encounter because I exhibited a sincere lack of self control.  I don't want that to happen again.  I am going to choose to not react to things or situations that I can have no real impact upon.  I refuse to let the vagaries of the world change who I am and who I want to be.  I'm stopping the angry train right now and getting myself back on track with a peaceful existence.

Maybe I should send that jerk a thank you note or some flowers.  If it weren't for his incredibly rude behavior I may have gone on a long time with this bubbling undercurrent of frustration and hostility.  Instead, he opened my eyes to what could potentially grow into a much stronger problem and allowed me to put a stop to it.  I guess one never knows what will act as a catalyst for change.  It can be something big or something as small as an jackass on aisle six.

Giving Gifts: Presence for my Children

Not all gifts come from the store.

Like many other people in this difficult economy, I don't have much money to spend this Christmas.  If I could, I would get my children whatever they have on their lists and be happy to do so.  They are amazingly good kids--obedient, hard-working, genial, sweet and kind.  Unfortunately, that remains an impossibility this year.  So, I do what I can to make the holiday special for them, to make it memorable each year in some small way.  I focus on the traditions and stories and family time that comprise most of the month of December and avoid the consumer trap of teaching my children to associate Christmas solely with the fulfillment of material desires.

And, in all seriousness, if I could give my kiddos any gift that I wanted, I would fill their stockings up with things they will use their entire lives.  I'd give them things that would make them healthy, happy, and strong I'd give them gifts that would make each of them a presence to be reckoned with.

I would present them with resiliency-the ability to bounce back from whatever problems they might encounter, not only keeping themselves intact, but also learning and growing from difficulty.  I would bless them with courage.  I would want them to do what they know is right, even in the face of fear as well as have the fortitude to attempt great things without the fear of failure holding them back. I'd wrap up compassion and respect for life so that they would feel and practice empathy for people and all living things.  Only people who appreciate humanity and animal life experience a sense of connectedness that anchors them solidly to this world and the next.  

They would find under the tree curiosity.  Life-long curiosity grants a person continual growth emotionally and mentally.  It makes them an active participant in their own lives as well as gives them something to dream about.  I'd make sure they opened a box filled with the knowledge of the value and worth.  I want them to be able to prioritize the aspects of their lives so they may truly enjoy their lives and recognize and cherish the important things and people within them. I would also give them ambition and motivation so that they could craft expectations for themselves and have the wherewithal to fulfill them.  A good work ethic will get a person through some of the most difficult times in one's life as well as help them to craft a good, comfortable life.

Lastly, I'd make sure they received a big box of love.  I want my children to know that they are well-loved by others, not because of what they do but because of who they are.  I want them to be able to love others well.  I want them to not be afraid to be open and loving to the people in their lives.  I want them to love themselves too and have a fundamental, healthy self-esteem--to be absolutely okay in their own company, to know they don't need anyone to fill them, only complement what is already there.

I'm sure my babies will be excited to open their presents on Christmas day.  I know they will be grateful for the toys, art supplies and clothes.  They will smile and be happy and it will bring me joy to see their excitement.  I also know that while they might not recognize or be enthused about the other gifts I try to give them every day, one day they will see and appreciate them too.  Perhaps when they are adults and Christmas has lost some of it's shine due to the stresses of responsibility and parenthood, they will understand the presents that mean the most are the ones you can't get at a store and last a lifetime.

Dog and Pony Show: Thankfulness Isn't Just for Thanksgiving

On Thanksgiving, people express their gratitude for a multitude of things that have happened to them over the course of the past year.  They say they are thankful for family, friends, blessings, and making it through difficult times.  It's a day to remember the past and a day to create memories for future perusal.  It is hyped as a twenty-four hour period of enjoying family you'd otherwise not visit and expressing gratitude for things and people you may or may not appreciate generally.  Much like Valentine's Day has become the day to express love, it is the official day of thankfulness and thus wholly artificial.

Gratitude isn't something that should be pigeon-holed into one day.  It's not a mindset that needs to be trotted out once a year, polished up and put on display for the entire world to see how in-tune you are with acknowledging your blessings. It shouldn't be used as a prop to have others see your life as something amazing, nor as a prompt for you to recognize that your life consists of some really good things. Gratitude should be a state of mind that exists every day.  The thing about being thankful is that the more gratitude you express in your daily living, the higher quality of life you have.  Perhaps not materially, because gratitude has never put money in my pocket, and I don't believe in the whole "power of positive thinking" bullshit, but in an spiritual and emotional way it will cause you to enjoy your life more.  It will make you present and as close to living fearlessly as you can possible come.

Express frequent gratitude for the little things in your life--the small moments where things go right, where the coffee is hot, the cat purrs loudly, you get the close parking spot, your child randomly gives you a hug and says "I love you."  Express gratitude for the lessons you learn from the negative things that happen as well. Every hurt, every mistake or misstep is an opportunity to learn something new about yourself or the world. When you express daily thankfulness, you stay much more present in the moment, you increase your ability to weather mishap, mistreatment or misfortune, and you appreciate life--your life.  Gratitude makes you resilient, it makes you cognizant and aware, and it makes you an active participant in your own life.

Too many people spend their lives waiting for the celebrating, holding back any expenditure of emotion for the one big thing that will make them happy. They go to work thinking that they'll be happy when it's done. They come home, thinking they'll be happy when they get to go somewhere fun.  They hang out with friends, thinking they'll be happy when they do something else. Always waiting for something better, they lose clarity and become fuzzy like a photocopy of a photocopy, two degrees removed from their own lives and unsatisfied or anxious about everything.  A lack of gratitude breeds emotional and spiritual discontent and creates an ever-present hole that will never be filled.  Nothing will ever be enough unless thankfulness becomes a daily habit, not just the dog-and-pony show of late November.  Be grateful for the blessings and lessons of your life. Do it now.  Do it always.

Random Acts of Cruelty

Last night I talked with an online friend that I hadn't spoken to for a few months.  He and his wife were expecting a baby in late October, so as I settled into conversation with him my first thoughts turned to his upcoming bundle of joy.  This would be their first child, after a long period of trying to conceive and I had been thrilled for them when he shared the pregnancy news with me.  Being a parent is an amazing, transformative experience and I was elated that my friend would have the opportunity to see what it's like first hand.

After the initial hellos, I asked the question, "Baby yet?"  That's when he told me something that hasn't really left my mind since the words blinked on the screen  in black and white.  At thirty-five weeks of an uneventful, healthy pregnancy, his baby died in utero. I was shocked, saddened, and felt so badly for him and his wife.  I couldn't help but cry for them, for their tremendous loss.  I can't even begin to imagine how something like that would feel, a shredding of the heart.

And then I thought about how incredibly unfair life can be.  How ugly.  How hurtful.  I had no platitudes of comfort to give my friend.  Everything I thought to say sounded false to my ears, shallow and tepid.  Nothing I could say or do would make the situation any less horrible than it was and I felt helpless.  As much as I like to believe that I am an optimist, a person who thinks that the world is mostly good, that things eventually work out, and that a reason exists behind every event, situations like this blow all that away.  My carefully constructed beliefs collapse like a house of cards.  I'm left staring into the abyss--a moment's clarity that the world is a random, cruel, unjust place in which to live.  There is no rhyme or reason.  Good things happen to bad people, bad things happen to good people and the planet keeps right on spinning not paying attention to any of it.

Something such as this seems inexplicable to me.  It is not karma being fulfilled, it is not punishment for some sin, it is not some lesson to be learned.  Those are all things we tell ourselves to gain control over that which is totally out of our control.  It is a denial of the true randomness of life.  It is a rejection of the knowledge that we never know what will happen or why it happens.  I admire the people who can live their lives acknowledging those things.  It takes real courage and strength to face life without any palliatives of religion or faith that things occur for a determined reason.  I know I am not that strong--I don't think I ever will be.

Rather than being devoid of belief, when my belief is shaken like today,  I think I'd just rather live with not knowing.  That might just be the best I can do for now.

All Shapes and Sizes: Meaningful Friendships

We learn so much from other people.  Every person that comes into your life provides an opportunity for growth.  Life lessons come in all shapes and sizes, and all different kinds of people. The trick to gleaning something meaningful from interaction with another person is being able to see that there is something to learn.  I am fortunate that as I have aged, I have become much more open to meeting new people and really talking with them.  When I was younger, I had all sorts of ideas about what made a decent person. Thankfully as I've gotten older, I realized that most of my criteria was based on bullshit.

 Even though my parents raised me to be open-minded, I placed a heavy emphasis on a person's upbringing, background, education levels, and even appearance.  If they didn't meet my automatic, judgmental standards of what I considered correct, I invariably engaged with them in my much cooler, disinterested version of myself. I cut off further interaction by being a supercilious bitch. If they met the criteria, I behaved with a warmth and openness that allowed for further knowledge of one another.

 While it's understandable that like attracts like, and most people "make friends" with those people who are similar to themselves, having such arbitrary and high standards for even basic interaction caused me to miss out, I am sure, on some seriously awesome people.  Somewhere along the line, as I gained more experience, learned from my mistakes and became much more comfortable in my own skin, I realized that all people, no matter how different from me, had value and interest.  Some of the nicest, deepest-thinking, and warmest people I've ever met have come from incredibly disparate backgrounds from my own.

I have friends that run the gamut from ultra-religious Muslims and Christians to former felons and recovering alcoholics and crack addicts. While I have nothing in common with the behaviors of the ultra-religious or the criminally inclined, I do have things in common with the people behind those identifying factors.  I now connect with the humanity of a person as opposed to all the signifiers I used for classification of another.  I've learned that being devout doesn't make a person all good, nor does committing a crime make a person all bad.  That's the fabulous thing about maturing, things cease to be purely black and white.  Life becomes a fantastical landscape made from a thousand shades of gray.

This morning, I had a lovely conversation with one of my more unusual friends.  He's North African, Muslim, a former drug addict, well-educated, world-traveled and one of my favorite people ever.  He's both seen and done things, not all of them good, that I can only ever imagine.  He was raised in a traditional household where his father had two wives, and he has more brothers and sisters than I do first and second cousins.  He is so very different from me, yet also very much alike.  In all areas that really matter, he and I have similar mindsets.   We hold ideas in common about people in general, how to live an authentic and generous life, and how to be in-tune with the world and humanity.  We have the best discussions regarding religion, moral obligations, self-improvement, and valuing the important aspects of one's life.  We also share a keen sense of humor and wit, with our conversations careening from esoteric to absolutely goofy.  I've learned so much not only about life in general, but about myself because I was open to friendship with him.  If I had gone by my youthful list of requirements regarding friendship when I first met him, I never would have been his friend.  I would have completely short-changed myself and I am exceptionally glad that I did not do that.

I look back at my younger self and smile. I was so very different than I am now.  If I could go back in time and give myself some advice, it would definitely be to lighten up, not take things or people or requirements too seriously.  I would tell myself to enjoy people for who they are, not what you assume they should be.  I would like to think, that even as uptight as I were then, that I would have listened to my older self.  I also like to imagine all of those people I shut out, that I could have befriended and what I might have learned from them. It's definitely something I am trying to instill in my children--seeing beyond the superficial factors and really looking deeply and thoughtfully at the people with whom they interact.  I can't get back the opportunities of friendship I missed when I was young, so I really hope they take advantages of those they have now.  Who knows what kind of amazing people they will meet?

Feeling Squirrely: Harvesting Good Moments

Storing up good moments is essential.

It's perfect Indian Summer weather.  Crisp mornings and full-on warm afternoons, marked by cool breezes and that one-of-a-kind golden light just make me happy.  This time of year possesses not only natural, weather-related qualities that I adore, but it is also associated with memories I hold very dear to my heart.  It is a time of family birthdays, an anticipation of the holiday season, and outings in the aforementioned perfect weather. It's a time of harvesting and gathering.  It's cozy, and I've always been a big fan of cozy.

Autumn makes me both appreciative of the moment as well as nostalgic.  I seem to alternate between out-right happy and mistily melancholy.  Overall, however, I thoroughly enjoy this time of year and all the memories the brisk October breezes stir up. If you were to ask a group of people, each one might have a different season they relate to more strongly than others.  They would wax eloquent about the wonderful winter or the splendor of spring.  I suppose it would be an insight into their personality or character and I am sure there are some online quizzes that will analyze everything about you based on season preference.

I am not sure what autumn says about me.  Perhaps it reveals that I am family oriented, maybe someone who has a wide romantic streak and loves to add a touch of rose-colored, golden glow to her life.  It could tell me that I am a nurturer, someone who gathers family and friends close to the hearth, preparing for the eventuality of winter's harshness.  I don't know.  Maybe it means nothing at all and no insight can be drawn from my love of all things fall. In any regard, the meaningfulness of something depends on the value or weight we give it.  It's all about connotation, personal relevance, and associated emotion--and those things are different for every person.

I'm just going to enjoy the turning of the leaves, the activities associated with autumn, and the family moments.  I am reminding myself not to over-think and to just enjoy. It's important to pay attention to one's life, especially the good moments and good feelings, because it is the memory of those things that sustain us during difficult times.  Much like a squirrel storing nuts for the dark, cold winter, I am harvesting memories for moments of winter that dot all of our lives on occasion.  So far, this fall has been a bumper crop of good things and feelings.  I am a very satisfied squirrel.

Adrenaline Rush: An Emotional Fire Drill

Fire drills are necessary whether we want them or not.

It's crazy how the human mind works sometimes.  This morning, my husband registered our daughter for the seventh grade.  She'd been agonizing all week long over which homeroom "team" she would be placed in, hoping against hope it would be her top choice with all her friends.  When the phone rang, I answered the call expecting to hear either my husband's or daughter's voice telling me about the schedule and homeroom assignment.  What I did not expect, however, was my husband screaming fairly incoherently into the phone. In an attempt to tease our daughter about her previous angst regarding registration, he pretended to be an excited pre-teen girl delivering good news.  I didn't hear that, however.  All I heard was my daughter's name and my normally reserved husband screaming which completely terrified me in a visceral, bone-deep way.

In the span of a few seconds, I was thrust back almost nine years ago to a phone call I received at work from my hysterical father telling me my mother had died very suddenly of a heart attack. On the heels of that memory, I started shaking and rapidly talking over my husband, asking what happened. Fortunately,  he quickly heard the panic in my voice and explained his badly received joke.  I calmed down just enough to talk with my daughter about her class schedule, her volleyball try-outs, and to yell at my husband to never, ever do that again.

After they hung up, I sat for a minute, trying to gather myself and realized that not only was I still shaking very badly, but also I was crying.  Intellectually I knew the "flight or fight" response had hijacked my body and it wouldn't stop until the adrenaline had run its course.  The knowledge of that didn't help my emotions, though. It took me about fifteen minutes to achieve a calm state, and the entire time I thought about how absolutely awful that moment nine years ago had been and how unfathomably horrific another phone call like that would be, especially if it concerned any one of my children.

When I said it's crazy how the human mind works sometimes, I meant that it's really an amazing thing.  For example in this kind of instance, the mind operates on so many levels at one time.  It triggers a biological response to handle crisis, it evokes precisely and clearly old memories as if they happened yesterday, it manages to deal rationally with information processing, and all the while floods a person with emotions running the gamut from abject fear to overwhelming relief.

In addition, after some reflection, the mind allows a person to realize he or she just experienced a serious reality check.  It drives home the point that bad things happen to good people all the time and random, tragic events occur on a regular basis.  No one remains immune from the vagaries of life. But it also gives us practice on how to deal with potentialities like this.  It's like an emotional and mental fire drill for crisis. Moments like these give a person the opportunity to face fears that usually remain hidden, or briefly thought about and then dismissed.  Even though addressing fear can be incredibly unpleasant, it is necessary.  If we didn't deal with fear occasionally we would be totally unprepared for when we come face to face with it.

As well as providing practice for possible future scenarios, instances like this readjust a person's perspective on life. It  forces a person to recognize who and what comprise the truly important things, and reinvigorates a person's appreciation of and participation in one's life.  Last but not least, it thankfully allows the fear to recede into the background so that we can go about our lives without being dominated by "what ifs".

I'm still having a hard time believing I reacted the way in which I did, and I am still feeling some of the after effects of the adrenaline rush and the unwanted thinking about painful memories.  Nonetheless, I'm going to shake it off.  I'm going to let my mind do what it does best--focusing on good, productive thoughts, staying in the moment, and appreciating the people who mean the most to me and valuing the time I have to spend with them.  It's going to be a good day even though it got off to a rocky, adrenaline fueled start.