Rejection sucks. Done by someone we care about rejection can be devastating, but even when someone we don't particularly know or care for rejects us, it still stings. It makes us by turns indignant, "Who the hell do they think they are? What's not to like here?" and self-doubting, "Why doesn't anyone like me? What is so wrong with me that even that person finds me unappealing?". It also creates a certain level of sadness due to failing to make a connection with another human being. We might not acknowledge the sadness, but I think we sense it, even if only subconsciously. Our varied responses to rejection drag down our emotional state and often result in feeling seriously crappy for a period of time. I would venture to guess that even the most secure, self-evolved people from time to time experience the negative emotional aftermath of rejection....even if they won't admit it.
Some types of rejection can be open, hostile, and down-right ugly, while other kinds display much more subtlety. I think it is the quiet, indifferent style of rejection that hurts the most. Making someone angry or annoyed at least means he or she pays attention to you, your being, and your presence. Although negative in nature, it constitutes an acknowledgement and recognition of ourselves by someone else. A person, on some fundamental level, has to care enough about another human being to get angry with him or her and to let he or she then know, feel, or see the anger. The natural response to that kind of dismissal usually creates anger and resentment on the part of the rejected person. While anger isn't necessarily a productive, healthy emotion, it feels much better than plain sadness. Anger also motivates a person to action much better than self-loathing or self-doubt.
Being summarily dismissed as if one did not exist at all hurts the most. I am positive that everyone has, at some point, received the "thousand yard stare." The feeling of someone looking not at you, but right through you contains a profoundly disturbing and diminishing quality that upsets a person to his or her core. I defy anyone not to be thoroughly insulted and/or hurt by this particular type of rejection. I have experienced both ends of this....being looked past and being the one deliberately not seeing someone else. In both scenarios, I felt badly. I hated the lack of recognition by others, and I disliked my own behavior when I did that to someone else. Primarily because I knew just how hurtful non-acknowledgement can be and in hurting them, I hurt myself. That's the shitty thing about being empathetic, you have a hard time with revenge or with rejecting people. Even if you don't like someone, an empathetic person feels his or her pain. Being deliberately mean is difficult for me, and my baser self wishes on occasion it were easier to accomplish. I can't even give my husband the "silent treatment" very long, even if he seriously deserves it. And that pisses me off...I give in way too quickly. I should at least hold out long enough for flowers.
I once had a friend who competed with my sister in many ways, but especially in the acquisition of people's regard. She liked to rub it in when someone preferred her company to my sister's, and would often say, "I don't know why they don't like you....they love me." At the time I laughed as it had become a running joke, but looking back on it, I think of it as evidence that we all seek to be seen, to be known, and to be heard, and we consider it a personal achievement when we gain someone's attention. Recognition can become addicting and I've seen people do unsavory things to gain it. Part of the maturation process for humans includes becoming more accepting of ourselves, and less dependent on external reinforcement validating who we are. Some people understand this concept and embrace it as they age, while others either dislike themselves or doubt themselves for their entire lives and remain enslaved to the constant search for attention and approval from outsiders.
In my opinion, to have a healthy life a balance must be struck between recognition of self and the importance one holds for the attention received from outside sources. In addition, people should also limit their outright rejection of others, because when we cause pain to people, we only bring it upon ourselves. We can never escape the fundamental, genetic need for human connection, for the hard-wired desire to be appreciated by someone else, but we can mitigate its impact upon our lives. By being more selective about our search for attention and by becoming more comfortable in our own knowledge of self, we can lessen the damage of rejection. We can ameliorate the negative feelings engendered by being dismissed or by being the ones who dismiss. We can view situations and circumstances with a greater sense of peace, and not feel compelled constantly to seek validation or to be the ones who harshly reject others for whatever reasons. A balance in this area infinitely aids a person in living a happier life in which personal satisfaction and compassionate behavior towards all people peacefully coexists. Rejection will always suck, but we can definitely manage our response to it and our engagement in it, and at the end of the day feel pretty good about ourselves. Because, when you lay your head on your pillow at night, the only person's opinion that matters regarding yourself is your own.
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