Listening More and Doing Less

Sometimes the best thing to do for a friend's problem is to do nothing at all.

Sometimes you just have to sit back and let things play out.  As much as you want to jump into the middle of a situation and yell "Stop!!!!" at the top of your lungs, you just can't do it.  This is especially true when you you see a friend struggling with some circumstance, event, or emotion and you know that no matter what you say or do, the friend has to handle it him or herself.  No amount of advice or intervention on your part will change anything.  Some things a person just has to do for him or herself and all we can be are spectators, wishing, hoping and rooting for the home team's success.

I think most thinking, feeling people have a bit of crusader in them.  They want to help their friends and families with difficulties and try to ameliorate whatever ails them.  I used to try and offer advice or actually put plans into effect to help friends work through whatever difficulties they were undergoing.  However,I learned my lesson many years ago.  I can only do what I can do, no more and no less, and oftentimes people really don't want help. Help comes with too many strings attached. And, in certain circumstances, no amount of help will change another person's trajectory.  It has to come from oneself--the desire and willingness to fix his or her own problems.  Generally outside solutions only work for a small period of time or not at all.

I've also learned that sometimes it is better to just sit back and listen, to provide an ear for someone's troubles, but not necessarily a mouth.  Generally people are smart enough to figure out a solution on their own. People really just need an opportunity to vent their frustrations and have a sounding board on which to bounce their own ideas about things.  Talking too much, offering unwanted advice, or espousing platitudes just doesn't work well for the troubled person.  Oftentimes it just feeds their drama and the issues become more acute.  Rather than focusing on improving a situation, the problem or the feelings surrounding a problem are intensified. Intervention in another person's difficulties should only happen if it is obvious that no other fix exists or if that person is incapable at all of helping him or herself at all.  Otherwise, just be supportive and positive.

Nonetheless, we all have that urge to take on another's problems and fix them as we see fit.  It's human nature.  Sometimes I wish it weren't but we can't help it.  The best we can do is to probably take a step back and just watch and be as supportive as possible without being intrusive.  This new approach seems to be working for me.  I'm happier because my levels of frustration have decreased.  I still care, but I don't invest myself in the solutions as fully as I did.  I listen more, support more, and talk a heck of a lot less.  Sometimes the best solution is just being there and letting the other person know you love and support him or her.