Puzzle Pieces: Seeing the Big Picture

Fitting it together piece by crazy piece.

Today I took some much needed time for myself and spent two hours sitting outside a coffee shop intermittently reading and thinking.  More thinking than reading, actually.  I used the time to sort out some of the things that have been bothering me lately about my life, the actions of friends and family, and what I really want to do from this point forward.

This past year goes into the record books for massive changes.  I can't recall any previous year where so many things have changed one right after the other.  I got rather stressed and depressed the other day when yet more changes came down the pipeline of my life.  I am pretty good with adapting and bending and blending, but things caught up with me and I had a moment where I desperately wanted everything to come to a standstill so I could just breathe.

Because I have a calm and relaxed type of personality, people have this impression of me that I don't need time to adapt, that I just readily accept what comes my way without any need for processing.  However, that's definitely not the case.  I just process things quietly and internally.  Even though it is not visible for everyone to see, I nonetheless ruminate over situations or events and struggle to place myself within the context of them in an appropriate way.  Water might look like its sliding off a duck's back with me, but in reality on the inside it is bubbling and frothing quite powerfully.  If I don't get a handle on things quickly, much like water it begins to erode at my center of calm, and I end up having days where my composure crashes down around me in waves.

Its times like those that I recall some of the advice given to me by my friends.  I should be a bit more detached to certain situations when there obviously exists no way for me in which to change them.  I've been told repeatedly that I care too much about particular things, especially regarding decisions or actions made by family and friends. I worry too much about the consequences of those behaviors and I know intellectually that I can't influence them one way or the other, but I still fret nonetheless.  It constitutes serious amounts of wasted emotion and mental energy.  The ennervating effect of this then causes more negativity around me and it affects how I am feeling, how I think, and how I behave.  My friends are right.  I should just care a little less about the things I can't change and focus on the aspects of my own personal life that fulfill and complete me.

This thought struck me the other day too...I have no obligation to anyone other than myself and my own little family anymore. With the death of my father in April,  I don't need to seek the approval of anyone anymore.  It was a sobering thought and made me miss my parents fiercely, but not having them here means that I can pretty much do what I want without fear of disappointing them.  I don't always have to be sweet and accommodating.  I don't always have to be the stalwart, stoic daughter that picks up the slack and acts as the anchor. I don't have to be or do or say anything that isn't exactly what I want to be, or say, or do at any given moment.  It is simultaneously a liberating and saddening thought.  And something else I will have to continue thinking about.  Who do I want to be now that I am no longer someone's daughter?

I really do feel like a puzzle this year and a mixed up puzzle at that.  I am constantly rearranging the pieces to make them fit properly so that everything will run smoothly internally and externally in my life.  The constant changes are the pieces for which I have to make room. The funny thing is, I've never been too fond of puzzles.  They strike me as tedious and too intricate and generally I give up halfway through and move onto something more entertaining.  My life, however, is one puzzle that I will not quit until I get it completely sorted.  All the crazy pieces will find a home and then the big picture will be clear and beautiful and calm. Here's to hoping, anyway.