The Critical Mustard Test and Good People

My parents used some interesting turns of phrase on a regular basis.  They generally had a colloquialism to describe almost any situation, event, or person.  My mother's sayings reflected her Oklahoma/New Mexico upbringing and seemed familiar to me because I spent many years in that particular region.  My father always seem to have more "exotic" things to say as he hailed from Ohio.  Never having spent much time in Ohio,  I always thought of the place as being somehow more foreign than the southern and western part of the US where I spent my childhood. His sayings usually made me laugh because they were colorful and strange, but by the same token, they were incredibly apt in description and classification.

Two of the phrases that stand out to me that my father frequently used applied to people.  I still use them today when someone new enters my life and I evaluate whether or not to keep him or her.  One expresses whether or not a person is suitable for friendship, partnership or romance and the other grants a seal of approval. Daddy would always say after meeting and conversing with someone new that he enjoyed, "Well, he/she passed the critical mustard test."  That meant the person made a good first impression and definitely had qualities that were worth exploring.  Passing the critical mustard test usually meant that a person exhibited a neat and tidy appearance, had a robust sense of humor, good communication skills, and an overall sense of decency and respect.  

My dad had one of the most genial and social personalities I've ever encountered..  He could talk to anyone, could make a person feel comfortable and welcome, and amuse him or her consistently.  Even though most people felt as if Daddy constituted an immediate friend, not everyone passed the critical mustard test.  He reserved that saying for people with whom he really connected.  Passing the test with my father wasn't terribly difficult, but it wasn't always a sure thing either.  I can remember bringing friends home from school and some gave good vibes while others did not.  Daddy never hesitated in giving his opinion and I never hesitated in listening to it.  To me, he always seemed a fair and consistent judge of character because he gave everyone a chance.  He didn't have many preconceived notions or stereotypes regarding people and let them prove or discredit themselves before he decided whether or not he enjoyed their company.

Now when Daddy whipped out the saying, "He/she is good people," I knew that he really liked the person and appreciated the qualities and personality of him or her.  Being "good people" for my dad was a seal of approval and a welcome invitation to become close to the family.  I use this saying all the time because it is a simple and concise way to explain or describe someone's overall innate character.  It means regardless of some annoying behaviors, social faux pas, or idiosyncrasies, the person is decent and has a good heart.  It does not take into account socio-economic status, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, or even political affiliation.  If a person is deemed "good people" then they are just straight-up good people and worthy of knowing.

I've met a lot of "good people" in my lifetime and I am fortunate to be able to say that.  I have friends from all over the world who come from very disparate backgrounds. They cover the spectrum of thought, behavior and personality from one end to the other. "Good people" come in all shapes and sizes and they aren't necessarily all sunshine and light. Some have difficult personalities, some exhibit awkward behavior, some are irritating and annoying, but they all share that one quality of having a good-hearted orientation to the world. They maintain an innate love or caring for their fellow human beings, they respect life, they hold a sense of responsibility and obligation to make this world a better place, they do not go out of their way to harm others, and they generally are well-intentioned in most of what they do. 

I feel lucky that my father passed onto me, not just these two colorful phrases, but also the meaning behind them.  He taught me to be not only open-minded and friendly, but also discerning.  He blessed me with the ideas behind the critical mustard test and the good people standard--give all people a chance and hold onto the ones that embody the meaning of being good-hearted.  My life has definitely been enriched with the good people I've had in it, and I am grateful.

Dipping My Toes: My Ramadan Experience

I am a curious person by nature.  I like learning new stuff about pretty much everything.  I enjoy the feeling of neural expansion when a novel piece of information attaches itself to something I already know, and the sensation of fitting together concepts, ideas and knowledge to create a big picture of how the world and its inhabitants work.  Lately, for the past six months or so, I've been exploring religion.  Religion and spirituality have always interested me and I have some unique ideas regarding faith and organized religion that I wanted to clarify.  I decided in order to have a firm grasp on my own beliefs, I needed to understand as best as possible the world's major religions.  Along the way, I've learned quite a few things, about religion, myself, and people in general. Some of what I have learned has debunked certain preconceived notions I held while other things have upheld my beliefs and ideas.

I am the first one to admit that I am somewhat of a dabbler in this penchant for knowledge acquisition.  I am a taste tester of life, if you will.  I like dipping my toes into the water in a variety of areas, and only rarely do I commit to a full-on swim.  Whether or not this comprises a good trait, I honestly do not know.  Being a Jane-of-all-trades and a master of none has both benefits and disadvantages. This type of learning means  I know a little about a lot of subjects and I know a lot about very few.  I am in essence, a generalist and not a specialist of information. When I started my comparative religious study, I think I unconsciously assumed I would be dipping toes again.  This time, however, I somehow managed to fall into the water feet first and become fully submerged.

Being raised as a Christian, I decided to forgo that faith as a starting point.  I know quite a bit about Christianity in regard to the basic doctrine, theology, and history of the Christian church.  In addition, I felt fairly familiar with Judaism due to graduate studies and decided to save these two religions for last in my explorations.  This left Hinduism, Buddhism, and Islam.  I know the basics of all three religions from my experience as a world history teacher and starting with any of them would have been a good choice.  I went with Islam, however, because I've made some Muslim friends within the past year or two and decided to see what it was about their faith that they so appreciated. I also chose Islam because I am an ardent liberal and I thought that it would be good to understand a religion that I supported in the face of vehement denunciations by a lot of the right-wing, conservative acquaintances of mine.  I also secretly liked the idea of being better armed for Facebook fights about religious freedom.

I started by reading the Quran.  This then led me to seek out explanations of the surahs through articles as well as videos.  I asked my Muslim friends questions regarding why they do certain things they do and what they interpreted the meaning of certain verses to be.  The studying and conversation both enlightened and frustrated me. I must admit, reading the Quran allowed me to see how closely linked the religion is to both Christianity and Judaism.  Most people have no clue that the Quran references both the Bible and the Torah and recognizes Jesus as a prophet. Most non-Muslims don't realize that there is a focus on mercy and forgiveness in the Quran as well as an expressed tolerance for other religions. As far as religious texts go, it was easy to read, made good sense, and fit with my idea that there is only one god and no one else. I can honestly say I enjoyed reading it.

On the frustrating side of the study, I found it incredibly hard to have an objective conversation with my Muslim friends regarding this religion as they always kept one eye on converting me.  The conversations naturally bent towards all the wonderful aspects of Islam and didn't address the legitimate issues I had regarding certain verses,  with how outside-oriented the faith is in regard to ritual, and the hellfire-and-brimstone focus of the doctrine.  I couldn't seem to get an objective answer to many of these questions which then led me back to two of my original assumptions regarding religion in general.  One cannot hold on an objective discussion with a zealot and people have a profound way of screwing up what would otherwise be beautiful religions.

Nonetheless, I decided that while I was still studying Islam, I would take advantage of participating in Ramadan this year.  Ramadan consists of the ninth month of the Islamic calendar and is viewed as the holiest month of the year.  Muslims observe strict fasting from sunrise until sunset which includes no eating, drinking, sexual relations, smoking and swearing.  It is one of the Five Pillars of Islam and during this month, the blessings received from fasting are multiplied. During Ramadan, people follow the prayers with diligence during the day and spend the nights in prayer and recitation of the Quran.  Throughout the month, Allah has closed the gates to Hell and thus no shaitan (devils) can whisper in a person's ear to cause them to go astray. It is a month in which to prove devotion and obeisance to God without any excuses.

I am about halfway through my first Ramadan.  It's been an interesting experience to date.  Initially as the first day of Ramadan grew close, I psyched myself up for the task ahead and alternated between an excitement of seeing what I could accomplish and a fear of failing in a very big way.  Once I got started, though, I realized that I could do this.  It wouldn't necessarily be easy, but it would be good for me in many ways. All religions acknowledge fasting as having positive benefits in spiritual growth, so it must be true.

So far, the experience of Ramadan has been a mixed bag of results.  I have had both positive and negative experiences. I have discovered in myself a willpower and dedication that I did not think existed.  I am proud that I have been able to fast all day long and remain mindful of my behavior and speech.  I've enjoyed praying throughout the day, having conversations with God on regular basis.  I feel as if I have improved in my thinking and behavior.  On a superficial note, I've also lost eight pounds.  On the flip side, I've had some negative experiences regarding Ramadan over the past two weeks as well.  To be fair, however, these instances have involved other people and not so much the dictates of what God wants and expects from me. Some of my Muslim friends, upon finding out I decided to fast, felt as if I were mocking their faith.  They immediately questioned my intention and sincerity.  Others became hyper-critical of my behavior, pointing out that I was not doing things with perfection.  More so than anything else, these experiences reinforced my belief that humans have the tendency to take a good thing and pick it apart until there is nothing beautiful left in it.  Their behaviors strengthened my thought that religion in general divides rather than unites.  It was one of the more unfortunate things I've discovered and I can honestly say their reactions disappointed me on a profound level because I had such hope they would be different.

All in all, I have had a good experience so far, but I have not had some grand epiphany regarding my ideas about God.  Certain aspects of my personal spiritual beliefs have not changed and I still find parts of Islam troubling for me.  I don't believe God hears a person better because he or she recites prayers just right.  I think intention and belief count more than just rote memorization and perfected outside behaviors.  I don't think a person has to stay away from everything that is pleasing in order to have a meaningful, impactful relationship with God.  I think God is a god of love and not fear.  I think God expects imperfection and values sincerity. Perhaps I have not found the right person yet to discuss these issues, but based on my personal explorations and experience this is how I currently feel, and until someone can convince me otherwise, I will more than likely continue feeling this way.

I will continue fasting and praying during the remainder of Ramadan.  I made a commitment at the beginning of it and I am going to see it through to the end. And, as odd as it sounds, I am enjoying it.  I am learning something new every day about Islam, the behaviors of its followers, and myself.  For a dabbler and life-long learner, it is a wonderful experience and one I don't regret embarking upon.  As a matter of fact, I like that I am not just dipping my toes, but really swimming this time.  It feels really good.

The Proof is in the Pudding

One of my friend's mother passed away unexpectedly last week.  I felt badly for her because I know exactly what it is like to lose a parent suddenly.  Both of my parents died with little to no warning.  I remember how difficult it is, the initial period of grief and mourning, and while my heart went out to my friend, I can honestly say I felt relief that I'll never have to go through that particular situation again.  Losing my mother changed how I viewed the world. It brought home the idea in a visceral way that bad things happen to good people all the time and that the world is indeed very unfair in its dealing with its inhabitants.  The death of my father changed how I viewed myself, as it extinguished the role and expectations of being a daughter.  Profound changes can occur after the death of a parent, and I am left wondering how the death of my friend's mother will impact her life.

The other thing I thought about this past week concerns all the ways in which our parents still influence and direct our thoughts, actions, and behaviors even after they have departed this world.  I am fortunate in that I see and feel my parents every day in so many things that I do and think.  My parents influence is felt in big things like my ideas about morality, spirituality, and ethics to the little things like what meals I choose to make for dinner and how I prepare them.  They are with me every single day as long as I continue to remember and acknowledge their impact upon my life. I am hoping my friend feels the closeness of her mother in this way too.  It really does ease the grieving process when you think of them in that fashion.

I keep thinking of my children this week too. What kind of impact am I having upon them?  Am I giving them the security, the love, and the skills to be resilient, happy, productive people?  Am I showing them in both obvious and subtle ways how to live life well?  Am I mindful of how my behavior influences their behavior?  And above all else, am I a good mother? Am I doing things right?  I think all parents question themselves from time to time regarding how they are shaping their children, but it's moments like these that give rise to deeper introspection as well as to provide a catalyst for changes that need to be made in parental behaviors.

There are things that I need to do differently, I am sure about that.  There are things that I do pretty well too. Hopefully it all balances out at some point.  That's all we really can do anyway.  Try and change the things that aren't productive, strengthen the positive aspects, and hold onto the hope that we are enough for our children.  The proof, as the saying goes, is in the pudding.  And even if my pudding has a few lumps in it, as pudding is often wont to do, as long as it tastes good and satisfies, I will be happy.  I just want for my children what I had growing up--kind, responsible and loving parents who had a lasting, positive influence.  I'm working everyday to make that happen.

Your Lips to God's Ear

A wish, exhaled on a sigh

floating like a feather high,

caught on the clouds and lingered.

It held firm but not patiently so,

fluttering, twisting on invisible breeze,

trapped by desire that stirred the wish

and the thought that it won't come true.

I was reminded of

moths--homely dull brown,

wanting desperately to light on light

and finding themselves denied by heat

moving restlessly, endlessly in constant flight.

Only when wishes and moths fly without fear

do you finally find

your lips to God's ear.

I think the Universe listens to us when we make wishes or dream about things we would like to happen.  It hears everything--even the unconscious, unsaid things.  That is why a lot of desires remain unfulfilled.  We want so much for things to happen that we end up not only thinking about the fulfilment of desires but also the fear of not achieving them.  We send mixed signals and in the confusion, the Universe responds accordingly with indecision.

Have you ever noticed it is the singularly focused people, the ones usually free from worry that have things work out well for them?  Part of their success of course comes from their own actions, but another part of it comes from the sincere belief that they will be successful.  When they wish, or dream, or plan they send out clear requests unmuddled by fear or worry.  They know things will work out well and do not waste energy on negative what-if scenarios.  The Universe hears them clearly, as if they were whispering the wish right into it's ear. 

By thinking of the negative consequences of not achieving what we desire, we trap our own wishes in limbo.  They move constantly and restlessly, but never gain any momentum, and never find rest in completion.  Being successful requires a person to know what he or she wants, to act accordingly, and to truly believe that all things are possible. 

Houses of Sand: Emotional Cowardice

Dishonest relationships have as much permanence as castles in the sand.

I've been thinking about interpersonal relationships lately, but more specifically how people within a relationship communicate with each other.  What makes a romance, a friendship, a marriage work?  What's the best way to interact so that the relationship is fulfilling and healthy and ongoing?  I have recently seen how a friendship can just end suddenly due to miscommunication and stubbornness.  I have witnessed how a marriage withers on the vine due to a lack of addressing issues immediately.  I've noticed other relationships falter due to unexpressed expectations and assumptions made without the foundation of fact.  Most people screw up a relationship because they don't talk about what they really feel or think with the other person.

I think fear is probably the greatest obstacle to maintaining a healthy, happy interaction with another person.  Fearful thoughts of, "What if I say something that offends him or her? What if what I want or need isn't what they are willing to give?  What if I show my true self and he or she doesn't like it?"  Therefore, a lot of people let things slip under the rug.  They let the possibility of losing a friend or lover subsume the need for free and open communication regarding issues within the relationship.  They hide hurt feelings, they don't ask for what they need, they attribute behaviors and actions to false motivations and intentions, just to keep a person in their lives. All the attempts like this at keeping a relationship constitutes emotional dishonesty, and it starts a cycle which will ultimately lead to the end of the friendship or romance.  A shaky foundation eventually causes a structure to crumble, and a relationship built on unexpressed thoughts is like a house built upon sand.  It is never stable and will eventually return to dust.

I can understand why someone would not want to lay him or herself bare before another person.  To put out into the universe all the things he or she is thinking and feeling.  It requires a vulnerability, a willingness to potentially be hurt by the reaction of the other person.  Speaking his or her truth and letting the chips fall where they may is a terrifying enterprise, especially to a person who desperately wants to be in love or have a friend.  No one likes to be hurt and it is human instinct to do everything possible to avoid pain. Therefore people hide what they think and feel to a certain degree.  At some point in life, all people have had moments of emotional cowardice, where they've fallen prey to fear and allowed misconceptions, miscommunication, and outright dishonesty linger in a relationship and slowly begin to poison it.

Being open and honest is the only way to give a relationship a chance to realize its potential.  It is the single thing a person can do to craft a fulfilling and authentic marriage, friendship, or romance.  It takes courage to be true to oneself and honest with others, but it is a quality definitely worth having.  A person may have fewer relationships or friendships, but those that he or she has will be lasting, deep, and meaningful.  It is a quality over quantity paradigm shift that dramatically enhances one's life.  It takes emotional maturity, an understanding of one's needs and wants, and a willingness to be both vulnerable and strong simultaneously.  Honesty and openness is a hard thing to achieve, but it can be done as long as people are mindful of how they want their relationships to be and aware of how their actions impact their relationships.

The other key ingredient in developing a true and fulfilling relationship is how one expresses his or her honest feelings and thoughts.  I have one friend who is under the impression that all relationships should be built upon improving one another through constant criticism. That is an inherently negative starting point.  It's good to be expressive and honest, but it is important to be tactful and supportive too.  Regardless if one's intentions are good,if the delivery is not good as well, the message is lost.  I told him last night that having good intentions without good delivery is much like having a brilliant idea but no means of explaining it to someone else.  It's as if they don't exist at all.  A person normally doesn't hear intentions, they hear what you say.  A person should always be open, honest and true in his or communication, but should also always be respectful of the other person's feelings while communicating.

In sum, it all boils down to the idea that either people will like someone for who he or she is, or they won't.  It's as simple as that.  If everyone could be secure enough in him or herself to value healthy, happy relationships over just a relationship, personal interactions would be much smoother.  Expressing myself is something I work on consistently.  Just like everyone else, I have a tendency to suppress certain things I want to say or I can be tactful to a fault.  It's about striking a balance of truth and respect and courage and I think it's entirely possible to create relationships with solid, long-lasting foundations.  The only sandcastles I care to build these days are ones on a beach.

P: My Favorite Letter of the Alphabet

Wonderful words start with the letter P.

The letter P seems to be my favorite letter of the alphabet these days. Peace, perspective, patience and productivity--these four things comprise my most recent goals for self-improvement.  Upon reflection, recent might not be the best word to use. I should probably say they have been consistent objectives throughout my life, but I've been really focusing on them lately with much more intensity. The older I get, the more important it has become for me to actively live a balanced life in which I have patience for all the ups and downs that continuously occur.  I also want to be more personally productive, making each moment count for something.  Time slips by faster every year and its imperative to not waste anymore of it.  At some point in every day, I wonder if what I am doing is meaningful or I am just spinning my wheels and killing time.  I think if I can marry these goals together and keep them in the forefront of my mind, I will be able to live a life of meaning and consequence.

I've always wanted to lead a peaceful life, one in which I am comfortable with my place in the world and one in which i work towards creating a peaceful atmosphere and environment surrounding all that I do.  I think being peaceful requires a sense of balance and perspective that takes quite a bit of work to attain.  It demands a person to be both detached and attached to the people and circumstances surrounding him or her.  A person should be detached enough to understand that in the grand scheme of things, most upsetting and negative situations we encounter daily do not much matter.  They mostly consist of petty concerns which can be fixed or ameliorated with relative ease.  Therefore it is unnecessary to get overly emotional or angry about things because it wastes time and energy that could be expended elsewhere.  By the same token, a person should be attached enough to the people and circumstances in his or her life to care deeply and work diligently at being present in the moment and consistently making an impact.  It's important to always keep life in a perspective that recognizes the larger context in which it resides while at the same time maintaining close and meaningful relationships with friends and family.

Patience goes hand-in-hand with peace.  It requires the ability to keep calm and view everything with an eye towards the big picture.  I always ask myself when I am about to get frustrated or upset, if this is an incident or remark, or moment that will matter when I place it into a larger context.  Oftentimes, whatever the issue is, doesn't require an explosive or intense response.  If I were to get angry over everything that goes wrong, I would spend a lot of time being negative, and negative energy is wasted time that could have been spent much more meaningfully somewhere else.

Out of all my goals, I struggle the most with productivity.  I mean, no one can accuse me of not getting things done.  Somedays I am a whirlwind of activity in which every single thing on my list gets accomplished.  I feel good knowing I completed x, y, and z, but my idea of productivity goes deeper and feels so much bigger than just finishing mundane activities.  I want to be able to say at the end of the day that what I did mattered.  I want the energy that I expend to mean something, to have left an impact.  Some days I cannot believe that I am forty years old and I am still trying to figure out what kind of impact I want to make on this world.  I always thought I would have my shit figured out by now, but in a lot of ways being a grown up hasn't been anything like I imagined it to be when I was a child.  Being thoroughly middle-aged and still not knowing what I want to be when I grow up shouldn't necessarily surprise me then.

Nevertheless, I think if I am able to remain peaceful and patient, viewing the world in proper perspective, the productivity will fall in line.  Peace will allow me to stay in the moment and patience will keep me from wasting time on negativity. Perspective will give me opportunities to focus on more important things. Besides, one never really knows what kind of impact one has on life in general.  What we might think of as petty concerns or random acts might have very large ripples when taken all together over a course of a lifetime.  I might be rippling right now and not even be aware of it.

Now it's time for me to put my "P's" in action.  Here's looking forward to a day of peace, perspective, patience and productivity.  I hope you all have one as well. :)

Renovation: A Work in Progress

I've been struggling with depression for the past several months now.  I have good days and bad days and mediocre days, all clouded with an underlying feeling of discontent.  Like a house with termites, everything is great on the surface, but not so good on a structural level. Upon reflection, I've discovered several reasons why I have been feeling off, but like most people, I've had a difficult time addressing those reasons. I am pretty self-aware and to a certain extent I understand my strengths and weaknesses, but I've chosen to be stubborn and not work with my strengths to eradicate my weaknesses.  It's a good place to start from, knowing oneself, but if one doesn't act on what one knows, then what is the point in having any knowledge?

One of the key things I do know is I have fallen into the trap that I warn other people about all the time. A person should never fill him/herself with other people and things in order to feel better.  A sense of wholeness has to come from oneself.  I've been filling myself with "friends" who aren't really friends, experiences which don't benefit me in any tangible way, reading, eating, and other escapist activities.  None of those things help except momentarily.  They may alleviate the symptoms of depression, but the root causes are still there and the bad days always return.  Until and unless I decide to do something about the core issues triggering my depressive thoughts, nothing will change.  Much like renovating a home, only when I get to the achingly hard part of working on the foundation of myself will significant and positive change occur. All the redecoration and landscaping in the world won't fix a single thing.  The house looks beautiful and well-appointed while the internal structure continues to rot.

As far as bad days go, yesterday proved to be a doozy.  It seemed as if everything I've been running from, everything that affects my mood negatively coalesced to bury me in morbid thoughts and ugly feelings.  By the end of the day, I felt so suffocated by all the unhappiness that my chest actually hurt and my body ached. Anyone who tells you depression doesn't have physical symptoms obviously has never been depressed.  Our bodies manifest what our minds refuse to manage, and if depression continues unabated it will lead not only to emotional distress but physical distress as well.  I went to bed thinking that I didn't much care if I woke up in the morning.  I felt like I could sleep for days and my absence wouldn't much matter. No one would notice and I wouldn't care.  How dumb is that thought?  Of course people would notice, my children especially. But it doesn't matter how illogical some thoughts become, the emotion driving those thoughts aren't based in logic.  They spring from feelings.  That's the thing about depression, it skews a person's sense of reality to the point where nothing makes sense, but everything feels profoundly real.

Fortunately for me, I couldn't sleep.  I lay in bed thinking about things and eventually my thoughts turned to my children.  They are the best blessings in my life, and I want so much for them.  I want them to have good childhoods and good adulthoods.  I want them to be healthy, happy, strong and compassionate.  I want them to be independent, confident and fearless.  I want them to thrive in all things.  I had a moment of clarity then, in wishing all those things for my children.  I constitute a key component in the creation of healthy, happy lives for them, and if I am not okay with myself, it's going to be difficult to give them the best lives possible.
As I previously stated, I know myself.  I understand that I engage in behaviors that are completely unhealthy.  I am a self-saboteur with a streak of self-loathing which lets me get away with treating myself in ways I would never dream of treating someone else.  One thing I absolutely refuse to do, however, is willfully harm my children in any form, and if that means I have to make myself better to do that, then by God, I will.

I woke this morning thinking about foundations, understanding what I need to do to stabilize my internal home, my idea of self.  There will be some digging, some shoring up, some discarding, and some really hard work.  No more moving furniture, no more paint, no more external trappings.  The days of superficial sprucing-up are over.  I don't just want to have attractive curb appeal, I want to be a solid, good home from the inside-out.  I am not just blowing sunshine up my own skirt this time.  I mean to make this self-improvement last. Moving out of depression doesn't happen all at once.  I am aware that there will be days when I achieve significant renovation and days when the contractor chooses not to show up for work.  The point of the matter is that I vow to work on being better every day, to keep the proper perspective regarding myself and life in general, to be more forgiving of myself and others, and to never give up in trying to do what is right.  Just like a house under construction or repair, I am a work in progress and as long as I keep progressing, my home will eventually be done. So in the meantime, please pardon my dust.