Joshua, Jack, and Abby on Thanksgiving Day 2011
Thanksgiving came and went rather uneventfully this year. We dressed up, watched the parade and ate all the traditional foods. The dinner took place at my sister's house and my family, my sister and her two boys, our father, and a family friend attended. Normally much more hustle and bustle surrounds this particular holiday. The kids run around like crazy people, making as much noise as possible, dogs and cats wander about getting underfoot, the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade and then football games blare from the television. In sum, noisy and fun family chaos reigns. This year's event, however, consisted of such an odd quietness that it gave me pause for thought. Looking back at 2011, none of our shared family holidays have been like previous years. Just underneath the surface of every one has been this sense of tension, a lack of some undefined thing, and a very definite sense of impending change.
Our holiday and everyday routines have been disrupted due to certain extended family issues. With me being someone who likes tradition and familiarity, the lack of these things being present bothers me more than I care to admit. I feel frustrated and resentful occasionally because of the differences, and I don't want to feel that way because it affects my mood regarding everything. I didn't realize until a few days ago, just how much this particular issue has weighed on me for past several months. I think I have actually been depressed, and at the very least, seriously stressed out for quite some time now. On one hand, I see all the necessary reasons for change taking place, and I believe that these changes will eventually be for the good and benefit of everyone involved. Nonetheless, I miss what we had, dysfunctional as it was.
My own nuclear unit remains fine and dandy. My children can feel the changes, they even articulate that we aren't doing things the way they used to be done, but like all kids, their flexibility keeps them rolling along smoothly and easily. Change just comes and they go with it. I am a different creature altogether...a creature of habit and routine, and change makes me uncomfortable, especially when it involves family interaction. My sister, my parents and I have always been exceptionally close and while I believe that to be a good thing, it can also be viewed as having an inhibiting effect on truly understanding who I am in relation only to myself and not to them. It is a scary, yet exhilarating thought.
On the bright side, I see these changes as an opportunity to discover new things about myself and about how to live my life. I will be forty next year and the idea of being truly independent from my family and their expectations of me, intrigues and excites me. I mean, I will still have all of my roles, wife, mother, daughter, sister, and aunt...but some of those roles will be less immediate and that lack of immediacy will give me room to grow. So, as odd as this Thanksgiving was, I will always remember it. Not necessarily for how great it was, but for the fact that it marks a turning point in all of our lives. It might not have been the best year for holidays and traditions, but it will definitely go down as a memorable one. And, it is always a good holiday when you take time to be mindful and thoughtful and especially grateful for all the people in your life, as well as all the blessings and lessons life bestows on you. I am grateful and thankful for each one, even the hard ones like unwanted change.
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