Black-Eyed-Susans

View from the front porch.

This past Labor Day weekend I went back to Capitan with my family and my sister, her boyfriend and one of her sons.  We generally return there several times of year and Labor Day is primarily used for yard work and home maintenance.  There is about one acre of fenced land that needs to be mowed, trimmed and weeded and various other fix-it projects to do around the house.  We usually have a great time over the three days in addition to working hard, and a large part of that enjoyment comes from the fact that Capitan becomes stunningly beautiful in August and September.  The rains finally arrive and the grass becomes green and lush.  Yellow and purple and white wildflowers dot the landscape, occasionally creating entire fields of color.   The way the sun begins to set behind Sierra Blanca in the early evening creates the most beautiful displays of shadow and light I have ever seen anywhere.  The weather cools down, the evenings carry a bit of a chill and the stars positively burst from the night sky.  The entire ambiance and atmosphere tickles my bones, eases my soul and makes me thoroughly content to be home.

The only thing that could possibly wheeze on a gig this grand is family dynamics and when it wheezes it does it up big time!  Spending three days with another family, even if it is my sister's, always taxes my nerves.  With my three children and their cousins, the house feels full to bursting and countless negotiations take place, innumerable disagreements get disputed and then settled, and incessant chatter occurs continuously.  For being fairly rural and isolated, the Capitan home has to be about the noisiest place I can recall being as of late.  In addition to corralling the monkeys, the adult dynamics also take a little toll on my sanity, as I have not yet become used to the constant presence of my sister's boyfriend.  Everywhere I turn, he is there occupying some space that previously had been inviolate and solely mine and my family's.  It has been difficult sharing my space with someone new, especially a space so profoundly steeped with memories that definitely did not include him.

In some instances this past weekend, I would turn a corner in the house and feel as if I had bumped right into an invisible wall upon seeing him sitting or standing where someone else should have been.  I know I will eventually accommodate this particular change in the family dynamic, but it still greatly disconcerts me.  It is hard to not succumb to feelings of resentment and violation, but I really tried this weekend to remain pleasant and nonchalant in his company.  I wanted to enjoy myself at home and I didn't want any negativity creeping into my mindset or behavior.  While I didn't accomplish that particular goal at 100 percent, I think I made some positive strides in the right direction.  It seems as if he is here to stay and other than controlling my own reactions and feelings to things, there isn't a single thing I can do about that.

The children, as usual, had an amazing time.  For them, Capitan is a home full of happy memories, a respite from the heat and desert of Alamogordo, and somewhat exotic as it is definitely out in the country.  They don't seem to experience the melancholy that occasionally overtakes me as I think of my parents and begin miss them desperately.  Everything about them is still very close and present in Capitan and while I am able to be there without hurting constantly, I must admit this past weekend I got teary eyed several times.  Especially regarding my father. Once or twice I even felt as if I had my breath completely stolen from me, like I had been punched and had my breath knocked out. He's only been gone for five months and August seems to have been just about the hardest month so far for me in terms of missing him.  Going to Capitan for Labor Day only intensified those feelings of longing to see him again.

All in all, I had a good weekend.  My family enjoyed themselves.  I enjoyed the cool weather, the gorgeous view, and the sense of being "home" again.  Even though I had moments of exasperation, frustration, and sadness, I feel better for having gone.  I always feel better when I am able to touch base again with the place that will always be home for me, a haven.  Like the yellow Black-Eyed-Susans that dot the front yard and give it a temporary vibrancy, Capitan does the same for me.  It fills me up with gratitude and recharges my mental and emotional batteries, making me vibrant as well.  I am already looking forward to visiting again.

Black Eyed Susan