For some reason it seems as if quite a few people in my life have been experiencing increased levels of stress. The reasons range from intense family drama to finances to romance--basically all the typical things that create issues for individuals. A number of friends and family members have been experiencing cognitive dissonance regarding how they want their lives to be and how their lives are actually manifesting. I am pretty sure I might be one of them. Circumstances really haven't matched what I envisioned for myself, and I need to discover a way in which to reconcile what is with what should be, or to just create different circumstances altogether.
I have been thinking lately of coping mechanisms and how people employ them to reduce emotional and mental stress to manageable levels. I think we all have ways in which we deal with situations that cause us to freak out a bit or take us outside our comfort zones. Some mechanisms provide short term fixes and we use them solely for moments or instances that pop up and fade away. Other mechanisms are long-term stress management tools and often they prove to be effective in reducing stress, but they can also cause collateral damage which increases discomfort in other areas of our lives. They can also create an environment in which a person is constantly managing stress but never addressing the reasons for the stress in the first place. Coping mechanisms primarily center around one thing--avoidance. They are like a runaway train which we all hop on when the going gets tough.
The key to healthy living is finding coping mechanisms that reduce stress levels effectively while not causing further problems in relationships, job performance, and levels of self-worth. Sometimes people turn to substances to manage their feelings and emotions. They have a drink after work, smoke cigarettes, or take drugs to reduce their negative feelings to less noticeable levels. Others withdraw totally from friends and family, stewing inside and thinking over situations, numbing themselves with isolation. I have one friend who lashes out at the slightest provocation and seems to lose all sense of humor. I have another friend who cracks joke after joke, drowning distress in laughter. I have a tendency to lose myself in trivial make-work, finding small odd projects to do that are so detail-oriented that I don't have to think about what really bothers me.
Each of these methods can be very effective in making us feel better, but most of them have by-products that affect the people in our lives in a negative way. They also don't do anything to address the causation of the stress, they are merely palliative, not curative. For example, my husband has a tendency to isolate himself during periods of intense stress. It helps him cope with his problems at work, but for me it feels as if I am being completely shut out of his life. Although I understand his motivation for isolation isn't related to me, I can't help but feel rejected sometimes. It drives a wedge between us and creates a distance that then takes extra work to eventually bridge and if it goes on long enough, it creates an underlying resentment for the time spent emotionally separated from one another. My friend who laughs about her stress rarely gets to the root of her problems because she is too busy laughing about them. Nonetheless, when the entertainment value has been mined from the drama, the problems still remain. My other friend who loses her sense of humor and lashes out at her friends or becomes intensely negative with them has to spend time repairing relationships as opposed to fixing the original problems causing her to behave that way.
I know that when I get busy with meaningless or trivial projects to fill my time, I am not using the time to ruminate about how I can fix myself, I am just focusing on something benign or soothing so that I can hide from issues I'd rather not face. Coping shouldn't always be about running away or burying our feelings and thoughts in substances, behaviors, laughter, or isolation. Coping mechanisms should be used in the short term, while we make other efforts to improve the overall state of our lives. Facing what annoys us, stresses us, or scares us can be the only way to create a more healthful way of living and being. There is a distinct difference between existing and living in this world. Existing means moving from one point to the next without fully being present. Living embraces the idea that we are truly here for every moment, completely aware of ourselves and our place within the world as well as our impact upon those who inhabit the world with us.
Dealing with stress should be in as positive a way as possible. More so than that, however, dealing with the issues that cause us chronic, on-going stress should be addressed as soon and as fully as we can. That might include finding a faith or philosophy that provides some comfort and security, eliminating or reducing habits and behaviors that create stressful situations, engaging in hobbies or activities that increase our sense of self-worth and satisfaction, or facing and conquering our fears. We just need to stop running away or avoiding our problems. Play the hand we are dealt and do it in the best way possible--a way that is life-affirming and positive. It might be easier said than done, but it is entirely possible and absolutely up to us.
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