Character Flaw

I remember having a conversation with my sister many years ago about a woman we both knew who had the audacity to say she would choose her man over her kids any day of the week.  It's one thing to focus on a spouse or a boyfriend when your children are grown and have lives of their own and to say that your children are secondary concerns while they are young. We were flabbergasted by that statement.  How as a mother can you just throw over your children like that for a man? From the moment I heard those words from that lady's lips, I lost respect for her.  So far...about ten years later, it still hasn't returned to its previous levels.  For me, that one expression of how she felt regarding her minor children, illustrated a profound character flaw in her that I never could get beyond.  She became, in my opinion, tainted goods.

For me, the best thing I have ever done in my life was give birth to my three little miracles.  They are my favorite people in the entire world and there is not one thing that I wouldn't do for them if I knew it would enhance their lives, make them more secure and safe, and make them feel loved and valued.  I love my husband dearly, he is my soul mate in fact, but if I were forced to choose between him and my children, he knows that the children would come first.  And he damn well knows that if he had to choose me or the kids, they had better come first for him too.  In my world view, that's the way it should be.

I've seen first hand the kind of psychic damage that occurs when a mother or a father discards his or her children in favor of another person.  The sense of emotional and sometimes physical abandonment is something that these people struggle with for the remainder of their lives.  They have difficulty trusting others, they view themselves as damaged and unlovable,  and they maintain fragile self-esteem and low feelings of self-worth, all which impact every aspect of their lives. It is a terrible thing to do to a child to indicate or even openly express that they are not your top priority, that someone else comes first, and that they aren't worthy of an unconditional, abiding parental love.

I cannot even begin to understand what would motivate a parent to do that to his or her children.  It bothers me so deeply because I think everyone should love and respect their children enough to ensure that they mature into productive, happy adults.  I adore my children and constantly think about what practices provide the best way of creating a secure, safe, loving, and warm environment in which they can develop and grow in a positive fashion.  They come first, and I often put myself last in my list of priorities to ensure that they have their needs met.  I couldn't live with myself if I knew that what I was doing was hurting my kids.  The guilt would eat away at any of the joy I gained from my actions. Once you have a child, you have a solemn and sacred responsibility to that child to raise him or her well.  What you want to do shouldn't matter until the child's needs have been met.

I am not saying a parent should tolerate disrespect, bad behavior, or on the other hand, spoil their children rotten by giving them everything they want.  I am saying that when push comes to shove, when it comes down to brass tacks, the children should know that in their parents' hearts, they take the first position. Their emotional and physical security, their mental and physical health should be paramount.  If you fall in love with someone who doesn't get along with your kids, or who is emotionally or physically abusive to your children, or who emotionally manipulates and isolates you from your children, then that person should leave.  No decent human being would ask a parent to put him or her above the kids' well being, and if he or she does, then that person has just proven the extent of his or her character flaws.  More importantly, if you are weak enough to believe that someone else's well being is more important than your children just because they fill some void within you, then God help you.  It's just tragic and pathetic when that happens.  Everyone loses. The children are irreparably hurt and you end up old and alone.

I am going to bed now, but before I sleep, I will make sure that I go in and kiss my blessings and wish them sweet dreams.  I will pray for them tonight as well, asking the Universe to grant them happiness, health, and love and me the skills and abilities to raise them well.  It's a hard task, being a parent and especially hard being a good one, but the rewards far outstrip any of the troubles.  You just have to be willing to subsume some of your own wants and desires to see them.