This morning my son Jack and my daughter Abby began arguing with each other. It was already another long summer day with not too much to do, and so they began to mutually ride one another's nerves. I could sense the tension escalating between my sarcastic nine-year old and my verbally gifted five-year old when the smart remarks began flying fast and furiously. I knew how quickly words could lead to smacking each other with whatever they could reach, so I interjected, "Don't hurt each other, be nice." My daughter responded with, "We aren't hurting each other." And my son piped up, "Yeah, we are just hurting each other's feelings."
I chuckled at that, but then began thinking that this particular situation provided a good learning opportunity for my kids. Many people don't realize how words do hurt and how they can have long-lasting effects on a person. Every adult I have ever met has some childhood memory where their feelings were deeply hurt. They hold onto those memories sometimes more strongly than the happy ones and for some, it defines how they operate in the world today. Some words can damage people for a lifetime. They become the basis for insecurities and shame that plague a person throughout adulthood. I wanted my children to know that they were hurting each other, especially because they were hurting one another's feelings.
A person will generally hear six to eight times more negative comments about oneself than positive ones throughout their lives. Sarcasm, picking on faults or flaws, or just plain meanness in the name of humor constitute the majority of these damaging remarks, but they still hurt nonetheless. I've noticed that negative talk starts early and usually by the time a child reaches kindergarten there is a noticeable change in a child that is not solely due to natural maturation. It is due to the fact that they've come into contact with other kids who use words that hurt and demean. If a child attends daycare or preschool, this happens even earlier. Children then create their own defenses by sharpening their skills in verbal sparring and sarcasm. It has always happened, it still happens, and it will always happen, because I believe that this constitutes part of our human make-up. However, I think as parents, we can mitigate how snarky our children become.
I strive to create a positive atmosphere in my home. Lord knows I don't always succeed, and I myself have been known to have a sharp and biting tongue when it comes to sarcasm and facetiousness. I do, however, ride herd on my children when they start deliberately picking on one another. I put a stop that that immediately and make them apologize for what they have said. I also have certain words which are banned in my house. They may seem innocuous, but they do more damage than many other types of words. My children are not allowed to say, "stupid", "dumb", or "shut up." These words negate a person's self-worth and invalidate their opinions and beliefs. Not being allowed to use these words force my kids to clarify their meanings when they disagree with something or to clarify their feelings when they become angry and upset. Another thing I do to ameliorate negative talk is to counteract it with something positive. When my children call each other names or make rude remarks to one another, they are required to say something positive about each other before I'll let the situation end. I think this is also helpful for them to see the good things about the person they have just demeaned.
Somedays I feel like I am making headway in this. In most instances, my children exhibit kindness, caring, and respect for one another. They are, for all intents and purposes, happy, well-adjusted children who get along well the majority of the time. When one of them becomes upset or unhappy, the other two try to do things to make the one feel better. They do have a good dynamic with one another, and I am pretty satisfied with how they treat one another. However, room for improvement always exists, as evidenced by today's little exchange between them, and I am going to continue to try my best to make them realize that a person's feelings should be seen as important and should very definitely be respected.
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