I've been thinking lately about tidiness and how for being a person who loves it in certain areas, I have distinct aspects of my life in which it does not exist. I am a Virgo, therefore detailed-oriented and somewhat of a thwarted perfectionist. I say thwarted because as we all know, perfection does not exist, but I try my best to bring it into reality. I like my details to be orderly, aligned, and perfectly positioned. Nevertheless, parts of my life remain seriously messy. I attribute that disorder or messiness to my innate creative streak; much like a teenager, it rebels on occasion and constantly needs to be fed with a bit of chaos. Most of the time, my perfectionist and slob get along amicably inside my head as they have learned to give each other their much needed space. Some days, however, they fight incessently and it can get pretty noisy in there.
Today is one of those days. It's two days after Christmas and my house looks like elves had a kegger here. The tree which has long since shed the majority of its needles and looks somewhat folorn and naked in the corner and needs to come down desperately. The children have strewn toys and candy wrappers from one room to another, and as much as it shames me to say it, I have dishes in my sink. For two days now, the perfectionist has yelled at the slob to get this stuff done, and the slob seems to be completely deaf. Maybe not so much deaf as indifferent. I do believe I caught the slob flipping the bird to the perfectionist earlier today as well as muttering some creatively obscene comments under its breath as to what the perfectionist could go and do.
All of this internal yelling has caused some serious cognitive dissonance for me, and I am feeling it deeply this afternoon. My logical, precise side knows what needs to be done, and my messy creative side doesn't want to do it. Therefore, the whole me just reaps the effects of this argument by feeling less than adequate and somewhat upset. I need to get my chaos under control in order to get my balance back, but I can't seem to find the motivation for that either. If I could only indulge in being lazy or do-less without feeling guilty, I would enjoy it more. As it is, I have this constant underlying guilt about taking time for myself to do things that are solely meant for pleasure and enjoyment. I have a litany of self-recriminations running through my mind the entire time I am not working. Generally the only way I can enjoy my down time comes from earning it through consistent hard work. I know I worked hard over Christmas, cleaning and cooking and prepping, but that doesn't seem like enough to justify these past two days of doing absolutely nothing. Still...here I am, pretty much doing nothing and not feeling good about it.
Don't get me wrong, it's not a hopeless case here. I know what I need to do to get out of this do-less funk. I need to just get busy on things and apply my balancing philosophy to my mental housekeeping as I do my real housekeeping. The secret to my tidy house lies in having junk drawers. I have three drawers in the kitchen that contain all sorts of items, up to and including socks, toys, game pieces, matches, earrings, receipts, and anything else that I find that I don't put back in the exact right spot at that exact moment. These things collect and then one day, for several hours, I go through the drawers and put everything back precisely where it goes. This system balances my tidiness and my chaos rather well in my house. I keep things hidden and stored in a manageable space and then deal with them when I am ready.
I need the same thing for my mind....a mental junk drawer. I never stop thinking. My brain refuses to take a break and I constantly have thoughts coursing through my mind. I should put the superfluous, negative, and unpleasant ones into a junk drawer, hide them safely and soundly, and deal with them when I have the time and inclination to do so. I should take that guilt about being lazy and leave it in my drawer for a bit so that I can enjoy reading my books I got for Christmas, watching movies with the children, or even taking a nap! That way, I can indulge in my messiness and truly embrace my laziness with a joyful heart and a quiet mind, while at the same time satisfying the perfectionist with the knowledge that all these undone tasks and excessive thoughts will eventually be resolved.
And on that note, I think I might actually take my own good advice, make a sandwhich and watch Megamind with the kidlets. I also sense a nap brewing in the near future as well, because I can faintly hear the perfectionist beginning to snore....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
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