Cherry on my Sundae

I quit my job three years ago--my very well-paying job--to stay home to raise my children.  Being a mother who got to stay home with her children when they were small had always been a dream of mine and one shared by my husband.  I credit the fact that my sister and I turned out so well to my mother being there when we were little, instilling us with values, fostering critical thinking skills, building bonds that continue to last even beyond her death six years ago.  She influenced and still does influence almost everything I do, and I am profoundly grateful to her for it.

Therefore, when the opportunity presented itself to stay home after the birth of my third child, after much long and hard thinking, I availed myself of it.  I have loved being able to stay with my children and be there for them, guiding them and teaching them on a daily basis.  They are well-rounded, stable, good-natured children who like to read, paint, draw, and do sports.  They know how to share, appreciate differences in others, value what they are given, and in general are just great kids.  I like to think that I have had some small part in that, and I cherish the relationships I have with my children above all else in this life.  Nonetheless, there are times when I wish I had made a different decision, and today happens to be one of those times.

Unfortunately, when I quit my job, the housing bubble burst, the economy tanked and a deep-seated recession settled in for a long stay.  The growth that my husband and I were expecting in his business just didn't happen, and we had to drastically reduce our expenses and change the way in which we lived.  I have coped with giving up almost all luxuries and even a few amenities.  We don't go out to eat or to the movies, the kids don't get new toys except for birthdays and Christmas, I haven't bought new clothes in years, and almost everything I do has my eye turned towards saving money.  It has been difficult and it has been hard and it has especially, as of late, been wearing.

However, that being said, I have always maintained a deep sense of optimism and hope.  One day our ship will come in.  We will have enough money to pay all the bills and live comfortably.  I know this will happen.  I remind myself when I am feeling badly about not being able to do something or purchase an item we need.  I have told myself that yes, someday soon, we will be able to make all the repairs on our house that we need and at some point, we will be able to maybe even go on vacation.  I talk to myself all the time to keep my hopes up and my attitude bright. I share my optimism with my husband too and together we keep going with hope in our heart and positive thoughts lodged firmly in our minds.

Today, though, I just can't do it.  I've lost my hope for awhile and I am not sure where I will be able to find it.  A few months back, the transmission on our truck went out, and of course as usual, we didn't have enough to get it fixed.  Oh well, though...we had the van, and as long as we had one vehicle we could change a few things here and there and make do, get by.  Yesterday the van lost its transmission as well, and it brought everything that I've been stuffing down for the last year, especially, to the surface.  I, the one who keeps her shit together all the time, who bolsters other's moods, whom  people come to when they are feeling low, can't even talk herself out of this one.  All I want to do is cry.  I want to indulge in some serious self-pity, curl up on my bed, and just weep.  I am just so tired of it all right now.

Fortunately, I can't do that.  I have a house to manage, kids to rear, a husband to support.  Nevertheless, I am going to give myself maybe an hour to throw a self-indulgent pity party alone in the laundry room.  It is the least I can do for self-preservation. I will cry.  I am going to feel so thoroughly depressed and down that my bones will ache with it and my heart will tighten in my chest.  I plan to indulge in every negative, depressive, ugly thought that comes into my head.  And then, I will pick myself up, dust myself off, and poke around in my psyche until I find that hope again. 

I will turn my pragmatism and optimism into an answer for us, and I will get on with the business of getting on.  Somedays, life just manages to kick you when you are down.  It places the cherry right on top of your shit sundae and laughs.  The trick to a good life, however, is to take that sundae, eat it if necessary, and then get back on track with what's important.  Remember your blessings, be grateful for what you have, and know that you are doing the right thing, regardless of how hard it can be.