What's Love Got To Do With It?

A recent spate of marital problems among friends and family members caused me to start thinking the other day about what constitutes a good marriage.  I think most people don't really know right off hand what neccessary ingredients go into making a life-long commitment with someone else that remains stable, happy, and fulfilling. With one out of two marriages failing these days, it seems to me that a majority of people don't really know what makes a marriage work. After quite a bit of contemplation on this, I decided to create a recipe for marriage that provides the basic ingredients for staying together for the long haul.

Not to sound smug, but I consider myself to be one of the luckiest women that I know when it comes to having a marriage that is secure, happy, and very satisfying. (knock on wood)  I have been married almost fourteen years to a man I love deeply and who deeply loves me.  We not only feel passionately about one another, but we are good friends with similar mindsets and outlooks on life.  His personality complements mine.  We are a good pair.  As evidence, we have only ever had one fight with raised voices in our entire marriage. (Even I think that's weird....nice, but odd.)

Therefore, I believe I have some idea of what it takes to be happily married and to remain married for a very long time.  First and foremost it takes these three things: RESPECT, TRUST, and FRIENDSHIP.  I tried to prioritize those, but to me they all intertwine with each other and are equally essential to a good relationship.  I always advised my students that when they eventually marry, they should marry a friend.  If you marry someone who enjoys your company just for company's sake, who shares similar interests and hobbies, and who likes you just the way you are then you will be lucky in love.  Lust and sexual passion will fade over time...it just happens.  Friendship is the foundation of a marriage that lasts a lifetime. Trust and respect follow in the wake of a good friendship.  You have to respect your partner and show that respect daily by using manners, showing gratitude, and giving him or her space and independence.  Trust ties in as well because you must trust your spouse implicity and honor that trust by not being jealous of your mate's time, friends, and personal space.  I have seen on numerous occasions that when one spouse begins acting out of jealousy and suspicion, then the other spouse will rebel against that suspicion by engaging in the behavior of which they are being accused.  In other words, if you think your spouse is cheating on you and through your words or actions let him or her know that, in many cases they will go ahead and cheat.  The thinking goes like this: "If you already think I am slut, I  may as well be one."

Beyond those three esssential ingredients, it's important to also set mutual goals as a couple and as a family.  Well-married couples will have shared views on how to spend money, how to raise children, how much time to spend with each other as well as alone, and what level/type of communication works best for them.  They are committed to the idea that even through difficult times, which every marriage has--even mine--and through the good times, they will be there for each other.  If people marry with the right intentions and the right motivation to work at making it work, then they will stay married for a very long time.

The title of this entry is "What's Love Got To Do With It?" and I think that it is apt.  Love is definitely one of the important ingredients for a good marriage, but it's not the sole reason a person should marry.  It's not even at the top of the list. Marriage takes a lot more than love.  It takes friendship, respect, trust, hard work, dedication, self-sacrifice, time and love.  And, for the record, love isn't just saying "I love you" but is the daily business of being there for your spouse, showing affection, working with and for your spouse, giving of yourself, being vulnerable, being nice, gracious, and grateful.  So, what's love got to do with it?  I think in a nutshell...nothing...and everything.