Played Like A Fiddle

Do you ever have those moments when you think all is well in a personal relationship--be it friendship, family, or romance-- and then out of nowhere, you get played by the person who supposedly loves and respects you? I think this happens to everyone now and again, but it never feels very good when it does occur.  I recently felt something akin to being duped, but then I began to think about it and started to feel somewhat differently.  Does a person who has the foresight to see all the possible consequences of a situation actually get played?  If a person is complicit in how a relationship works, can they ever really be duped?  If you know someone is taking advantage of you, or if you are aware of the inequality within a relationship, but you continue with it knowingly, have you really been played like fiddle? And, if  you know all these things are true, what kind of person are you to allow that to happen?

I am a pretty good judge of character and personality when it comes to involving myself with people.  I admit that I have an intuitive sense regarding people that I rely upon and my intuition generally proves correct.  Therefore, when I commit to a relationship or a friendship with someone, I have a pretty good idea how that person will behave and react.  I imagine different scenarios in my mind and follow them to their logical conclusions and thus, I am aware of how things will go for the most part.  I don't get fooled often, but when I do, I certainly feel like an ass, especially because I have analyzed every angle and still messed up.  Occasionally emotion overrides reason, occasionally guards come down and true connections without internal distance are made.  It's at those times people become the most vulnerable and the most open to being used.  It's a shame too because that's when people show their genuine, true, authentic selves, and its the time when they get hurt the most.

It is exactly that hurt I fear most of all, that hot, white embarassment of giving of yourself and having less than nothing in return.   Even though I like to think the best of humanity and  I believe that the majority of the world's population consist of innately good-hearted people who spend the majority of their time behaving well, I worry about their motivations.  Underlying my positive beliefs about humanity, I am well aware that man often resorts to his baser tendencies and will try to gain an edge over someone else.  This latter belief keeps me from truly ever trusting anyone, truly ever caring too damn much, and truly ever becoming close.  It's kind of sad, actually.  I love people in general, but I don't hold them as closely as I should to my heart.  The only exception for pure, authentic, unadulterated love that I give is to my children and my husband. They get one hundred percent of the real me one hundred percent of the time.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I don't think I've been played like a fiddle lately.  Unfortunately, I never let myself go enough to do that in a real fashion.  Maybe having someone take advantage of my good nature is exactly what I need.  Letting go of a fear of getting hurt and just living each moment as connected to life as possible would be the best thing to do.  Maybe recognizing this just provides one more step on my journey of getting to know myself fully and becoming the best version of me. 

Besides, I've always enjoyed bluegrass music and the fiddles are my favorites.