Say What??? Communicating with the Opposite Sex

 

This evening, my daughter helped me prepare dinner.  She and I are the bastion of femininity in a house and family dominated by males.  In addition to my husband and two sons, I have two nephews, one father and mostly male pets.  It can be testosterone overload some days.  Therefore, she and I enjoy spending time together in the haven of the kitchen, hiding from the boys and discussing "girl" topics.  It is our own little version of my husband's "man cave" but with much better snacks.

Abby likes hanging out with me.  She likes talking with me and to me, and I am going to take advantage of every minute she chooses to do this.  At some point, she will realize how totally uncool her mother is and she will want to spend her time in other ways.  For now, however, she tells me about her day, her feelings, her friends, and any important incidents or events that happened to her.  My little girl inherited my "talkative" gene in spades.  She could talk a river upstream.  I even think she could talk me under the table if given the chance.  I usually listen attentively because my children seek my interest, my approval, and on occasion, my opinions.  My mind wanders every now and again, though, and this evening while Abby talked at me, I experienced a realization about the nature of boys and girls.

While Abby discussed in detail how she and a friend played at recess, I thought about how different my baby girl is from my two boys.  If I ask her a question, she generally gives a detailed, thoughtful response.  Very, very detailed. In contrast, my two boys generally use the minimum number of words they can get away with that still holds the meaning of their message intact.  I can't really chalk that up to just being variations in personalities between Abby and her brothers because my sons are as different from each other as night and day, yet they still behave similarly.  I think it has to do with the fact that they are boys.  This little mini-realization got me to thinking about gender differences in general, but primarily regarding the differences in how males and females communicate.  Even at the earliest ages, boys and girls exhibit drastic differences in the ways in which they share their ideas and feelings with others.

I am not a linguist or a specialist in language or communication by any means.  I merely base my ideas on observation and make generalizations about them.  From my experience, I've noticed that women tend to be more verbally expressive and communicative than men.  On average, little girls learn language earlier than little boys and they use their language to express their feelings, ideas, and opinions.  Little boys seem to express themselves more physically. I see this in my children.  As a toddler, Abby used her words to explain how she felt about something.  My boys use their bodies and their facial expressions more so than their language.  Joshua especially uses facial expressions, body language and sheer noise to carry meaning across to other people, primarily when his feelings are intense or overwhelming.  I have to remind him to talk to me about his issues rather than him relying solely on physical means of expression.  My son Jack, who began speaking at 9 months and using complete sentences by 13 months, amazes me with his vocabulary, his grasp of context, and his overall verbal ability.  Yet, he too, chooses to be more physical in expression than verbal.  He has the words, he just decides not to use them.

For some reason, men just don't have that innate drive to express themselves in verbal detail the way women do.  Some of that comes from just viewing circumstances with a completely different eye.  A man and a woman looking at one situation will not see the same thing. It could be the same set of facts, but opposite interpretations. Therefore the communication regarding the same event will be disparate as well.  A woman could describe the situation six ways to Sunday and a man might have only one or two sentences about it. I believe this stems from the male perspective that it is not important to hash out every little detail or to discuss with minute precision every single aspect of something. Once the general idea has been stated, there really isn't any reason to waste more time on discussing it.  They seem to me to be "big picture" people while women focus on details, hidden meanings, and the subtext of a circumstance.  This has to be due to variations between the male and female brain--the fundamental way in which we think.  Regardless of where the differences originate, however, what it all adds up to is that men and women have a hard time understanding one another and have difficulty communicating with each other.

We just don't speak the same language, and in order to have healthy relationships with the opposite sex we all have to become foreign language students and learn how to speak either "man" or "woman" with one another.  Most people eventually become fluent enough to maintain good relations and to communicate clearly their wants and needs.  Other people, however, never really learn how to talk to the other gender well and they usually have difficulties understanding the opposite sex.

The best way to fix this communication problem between the sexes is for all people to speak honestly, clearly, and concisely with each other, regardless of their gender.  I find that listening attentively to someone,  restating what they said in your own words, and checking with them to see if what you said is correct comprises the most effective means of fostering good communication and understanding between men and women.  You'd be surprised how often what one person says is not even close to what the other person hears.  Double-checking before moving forward with a conversation can only help a relationship become more fulfilling, more understanding, and more cohesive.

As I am writing this, I am watching my children play.  The boys are wrestling on the living room floor squealing and screeching while Abby has curled up on the couch with her Monster High doll, brushing it's hair.  The stereotypical nature of this particular tableau actually makes me laugh. I know gender differences exist on an innate level just by observing my own children and raising them on a daily basis.  Some of these things they do are hardwired and will never change.  Communicating with people, however, doesn't have to be one of those static gender traits.  Everyone can learn to speak clearly and make their meanings understood.  All people have the opportunity to develop good communication skills and I try every day to get my boys to use their language to the best of their ability.  I might even invite them into the "Girl Cave" in the kitchen to hang out with Abby and I so we can practice listening and speaking skills. They might not be terribly interested in the "girl topics" but I am certain I can lure them there with the better snacks than their Dad has to offer.